Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits with your child properly (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that discipline and punishment are the same thing, and that children need to learn discipline through punishment. Most American parents set limits with children through punitive discipline, meaning imposed discipline. The fact of the matter is that the way to set limits with children is allowing them to find their own discipline, inspired by the good Christian example of parents. 

Proper discipline is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to lift up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children then following suit. Children in biblical times were caught being good, instead of caught being bad. When children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged by fathers to "keep going down the straight path". Most childhood mischief was laughed off, and all crying in children was responded to with sustaining warmth by mothers. But, when children did things such as show self-control or give up something they really wanted, they were lavishly praised and encouraged. Boys were given lavish praise with a manly tone to it, from father to son. Girls were given physical affection such as hugs and snuggles from fathers, when mothers gave fathers permission to touch their daughters. Sometimes, children needed direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia), which refers to direct parental instruction. Parents were forbidden under the Law to issue lawfully binding orders to dependent children, as children held divine authority over parents. So, parents instead pleaded with their children, expecting absolutely nothing in return, knowing they'd get nothing in return. Parents asked politely and humbly, from the bottom of their heart, for favors from children. In most cases, children listened to parents, and that was because of the secure attachment that children had with parents. 

Setting limits is not something you, in most cases, do directly to children, meaning limits aren't something you impose on children. Parents should instead model discipline and self-control to children, and then, with a secure attachment in place, children should start to emulate the disciplined example of parents. Once you catch your child emulating your disciplined example, that is the time that you praise them for showing discipline and self-control. 

How do you win over children to your disciplined example? It all starts with a secure attachment. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mothers and children were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This birth nudity setup brought out raw separation anxiety, where the child was petrified of mom "going away and never coming back". Mothers accommodated this separation anxiety by constantly cooing when children cried, in order to reassure children of her presence. Mothers, when out and about in public, swaddled their young children next to their bosom in swaddling blankets, perhaps breastfeeding her child in public if summoned to by her child. This sustaining warmth in the formative years of a child's life led to children easily being able to absorb the disciplined example of their parents at their own pace. Children then embraced the chastening of the Lord through their father's example and encouragement. 

Children, like all of us as human beings, have a sinful nature. This is not up for debate. But, children, like all of us as human beings, are capable of self-improvement. Children can improve themselves, and center their entitlement, by simply watching as their parents center their entitlement. This means parents should declare themselves depraved and decadent sinners who are deserving of absolutely nothing. Knowing that you are deserving of absolutely nothing forces you to be grateful for absolutely everything, which leads to discipline and self-control, as all wanton desires are quenched. Ultimately, this leads to a calm demeanor for your child to emulate. Children watch everything you do as a parent, and if you are working on their entitlement, they will see it, and will work on their own entitlement if you give them the space. As you tell yourself how undeserving you are, they will tell themselves how undeserving they are. This especially if they are given sustaining warmth and reassurance for the first 6 years of childhood.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!