Toughening up children: How to toughen up your children (without punishment or force)

Many parents want children to grow up to be sturdy and tough. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. This generation is a bunch of wusses. Most Millennials and Gen-Z youth are not toughened up, and melt easily. This is due to lawful child abuse in the form of punishment and controlling demeanor. Every generation was that unsturdy when they were younger. There is a way to toughen up children without using punishment or force in parenting. 

Toughening up children starts with the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This implies that parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the wake of parent submission. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, to modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, and then their children followed suit. Children then were caught being good, instead of being caught being bad. Whenever a child emulated the disciplined example of parents - such as by showing self-control or by giving up something they really wanted - they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep going down the straight path". Children were otherwise allowed to be children. Parents didn't expect children to absorb their disciplined example right away, with children being comforted with skin-on-skin contact when they had a meltdown. Children were in constant closeness to mothers for the first 6 years of their life. Children sometimes needed to hear direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to direct parental instruction. Parents could not issue lawfully binding orders to children, as children had eminent authority over parents to issue lawful orders. So, parents pleaded with their children, expecting absolutely nothing in return, knowing they would get nothing in return. Most of the time, children listened to parents, out of trust as a part of a secure attachment. 

Toughening up your children starts with fortifying yourself. This all starts with declaring yourself a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing. This will, in turn, force you to be grateful for absolutely everything. This means also taking an undeserving attitude towards your own child. Know that you are a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing in relation to children. When you come to the conviction that you are deserving of absolutely nothing when you are angry or anxious, you end up not wanting what you were angry or anxious about, and then you let go of the anger or anxiety, and end up being grateful for what you have. Centering yourself as a Christian in this regard involves becoming aware of your own self-talk, and then telling yourself that you don't deserve what you are pining for because you are a depraved and decadent sinner. Declaring yourself a depraved and decadent sinner means finding an entitled habit to atone for, and then telling yourself how depraved and decadent your sinful nature is because of your entitlement problem. Sometimes, it takes denying yourself of the right to have everything you already have, and everything you want, in order to find true gratitude. When your children see you doing this work, in which case they will, they will copy your good deeds.

What motivates children to follow this fortified example? Children need a secure attachment to their mother in order to hear out their father. When mothers form a secure attachment with their children, their children form a close secondary attachment to their fathers in the way that they related to their mothers. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness with mothers, with Christian mothers in the 1st Century practicing birth nudity. Mother and child were naked next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy, with mothers breastfeeding their children if they were milk-hungry. When mother and child were in public, a mother swaddled her child next to her bosom in swaddling clothing. This sustaining warmth opens the door to children wanting to copy the disciplined example of parents. This discipline will not show in children until the latter years of childhood, when they want to be more independent and play freely on their own. Young children under age 6 will always have separation anxiety for their mother, and thus will need their mother constantly.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!