Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits with children (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that they need to punish children in order to enforce limits on them. This is a common attitude amongst American parents, who often seek to enforce rules and regulations onto children, in policing format. The fact of the matter, however, is that punishing children to set limits is immoral and sinful. Children instead need parents to model good discipline to them, and back up their example with a secure attachment.

A Christian example for children is backed up by the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with a promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment lifts up the customary law that commands a secure attachment in the family home between parents and children.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is ποροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church at Ephesus. 

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) refers to here, in this context, to modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything. Christian parents in the Early Church worked on centering their entitlement in view of their children, with their children then following suit. Children were caught being good, rather than being caught being bad. When children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents - such as showing self-control or giving up willingly something they really wanted - they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep going down the straight path". Children were otherwise left alone or else comforted when engaging in childish and immature behavior, most of which is developmentally appropriate. Sometimes, children needed direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to direct parental instruction. Parents had no authority to issue lawfully binding orders, as children had eminent authority over parents in biblical times. Thus, Christian parents pleaded with their children, expecting absolutely nothing in return, knowing they would get nothing in return. Most Christian parents then asked for things from their children politely and humbly, from the bottom of their heart, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Most children listened to their parents anyway due to a secure attachment between parent and child, where children trusted their parents infinitely.

What backs up a good Christian example for children? Children need a secure attachment to parents in order to heed their Christian example. During the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, with mothers and children in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin format. When young children cried at home, mothers picked them up and co-snuggled with them, in skin-on-skin format, perhaps breastfeeding them if milk-hungry. When out and about in public, children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets. Now, children don't absorb the disciplined Christian example of parents until the latter years of childhood and adolescence. Before then, most children have separation anxiety where they morbidly fear that their mother will somehow disappear and won't come back, and so they cling to her, including when swaddled to her bosom. When separation anxiety is accommodated in the formative years of childhood, they can come to their own internalization of Christian discipline later in childhood. By the time they are teenagers, they should be well disciplined in an emotionally mature way.

Discipline in children starts with discipline in yourself. The key thing to do is to declare yourself a depraved and decadent sinner in relation to your anger or parent attraction towards your child, surrendering yourself to God. When you come to the conviction and knowledge that you are deserving of absolutely nothing from your child, you end up demanding less and less, until those angry demands go away. In terms of parent attraction, you learn to approach less and less until the approach goes away, usually by centering your sexual entitlement using masturbation. When you have an undeserving attitude adjustment, you essentially take away everything you want, including everything you already have, and then you are grateful once you come to the knowledge that you deserve none of it. Then, your child will notice that you are doing this good work on yourself, and will do the same work on themselves, little by little as they mature. It is in the nature of children to copy the habits of their parents, for good or for bad.

There is no need to impose discipline on children. Discipline is how a human being centers their entitlement. Children have a sinful nature, and there is no debate there. However, children are capable of self-improvement on their own accord, when guided by a parent's example. When children absorb non-entitlement, they will learn discipline on their own accord, on their own terms, and they won't need constant nagging from parents. Some children may need more direct instruction than others to point them in the right direction - such as a child with autism or ADHD - but even those should be rare, or else the child becomes prompt dependent. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!