Independence: Why parents should strive for independence in their children (not obedience)

Many parents think the goal of parenting is obedience. Most parents in America seek to instill obedience into their children. It is a common attitude amongst American parents that children listen to them, and even maybe obey them blindly. The fact of the matter is that parents in the Bible values bold feats of independence in children, not pliable and obedient children. But, before a child can be as independent as possible, they must have healthy dependence to their parents.

Healthy dependence is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the wake of the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

Independence and self-reliance were valued traits in children in the Early Christian church communities. But, first, children had to be in healthy dependence to parents. Children, for the first 6 years of life, were in constant closeness to mothers, with children never leaving the side of mothers, and then with mothers wrapping up the child next to their bosom in swaddling blankets when out and about, perhaps also offering the child to suckle her teat. Mothers and children were naked in the family home, and children were naked wherever they went until adulthood. This nakedness of mothers and children allowed for mothers to engage in skin-on-skin comfort with their children easier, and also to hasten the secure attachment between mother and child.

When children are given space to be dependent on parents for their formative years, they will automatically insist on being more independent. Starting at around age 6, children started venturing further and further from home, playing outside with neighborhood friends, but then returning to the closeness and sustaining warmth of mothers come time for skin-on-skin co-sleeping. Then, once a child hit puberty, they insisted on their own place to sleep. All of this happened because children were given space for healthy dependence first, and that readied their body and mind for instinctively asserting independence. Children grow up and become independent entirely on their own, but need a secure attachment to fully become independent adults. Fathers encouraged bold feats of independence in children, cultivating the natural boldness in children towards children being as independent as possible. 

The goal of every Christian parent in the 1st Century was for children to be as independent as possible, by the time they became adults. Children were not expected to respect their parents as children, but instead, parents sought to earn the approval of their children. When a child rejected their parents, especially their mother, the parents were seen as cold and unfeeling, thus stigmatized. In fact, a child rejecting their children was seen as a sign of child abuse, and indeed, the ancients had their concept of child abuse. Child abuse was basically understood as whatever the child perceived as abusive, offensive, or sexually prurient.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke not your children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!