Independence: Why independence should be the goal in parenting (not obedience)

Many parents think that obedience is the goal in parenting. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that obedience is the goal in parenting. This is often enforced using punishment and other controlling demeanor in parenting. The fact of the matter, is, however, that history proves that independence is the goal in parenting, as was the case in biblical times. However, in order to teach independence properly, a parent must allow for healthy dependence. 

Healthy dependence is a part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the wake of the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to their children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

Independence was the goal of parenting in biblical times. But, parents offered healthy dependence first. Children, up until age 6, were in constant closeness to their mothers. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, and all the way up until age 6, mother and child were naked next to each other, with perhaps the mother breastfeeding the child. Mothers could take the closeness into public, and breastfeed in public, with the child wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling blankets. This closeness prepared children for independence by providing for them healthy dependence. 

Around age 6, children started insisting on being on their own. They ventured places far away from home, playing outside with the neighborhood children, but then retreating to the sustaining warmth of mothers come nightfall. That sustaining warmth came in the form of co-sleeping, with children sleeping next to mothers in skin-on-skin format. Children started sleeping on their own around puberty, when children wanted their own place to sleep. When this happened, parents knew that their children were growing up, and the event of children moving out of the house was coming soon.

Usually, today, children are independent by the time they are teenagers, when raised right, meaning with attachment parenting. Most teenagers in modern attachment parenting homes are very strong and resilient, usually in a centered way, and can do things on their own that their peers in punitive parenting homes cannot. Imagine the proper stereotype of Generation Z as isolated from life, and then punished nonetheless, which is a toxic mixture of circumstances. Attachment parenting is totally different than this setup, as it encourages independence. In Christian attachment parenting, it is the role of the father to encourage independence and discipline in children.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!