Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits without spanking or punishment

Many parents want to set limits with their children, and teach them discipline. This is a common desire for American parents. Most American parents want to set limits with their children, and teach them discipline. Most think the only way to do this is punitive measures such as spanking, time-out, or other forms of punishment.

Discipline and limit setting is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the Ephesian church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child with his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The standard of Christian discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, and is grateful for absolutely everything, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Parents were expected to become disciplined and chastened up, with children following in their footsteps. When children started to absorb the example of their parents and emulate that example, they were lavishly praised and encouraged by fathers in their path towards self-improvement. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction, such as if they were behaving in a way that endangered themselves or others, spiritually or otherwise, usually in the form of a redirection. A notable example of redirection was when children were sexually active. Mothers would walk in intentionally on the children having sexual relations outside of marriage, and redirect them to masturbation instead. Sometimes, children had to be physically removed from a dangerous situation, such as when a venomous snake or scorpion was approaching an unsuspecting child, or when a child was approaching it. This redirection and removal is known as righteous warning, and is denoted by the Greek root word translated "admonition", which is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia). Righteous warning was seldom used by Christian parents in the 1st Centuty, as most childish and immature behaviors were overlooked and seen as normal for children. When righteous warning was used, children were always reassured with the phrase "this too will pass" when the redirection or removal led to tears or crying in a child.

Most childhood behaviors in the Early Church were ignored. There is a reason why biblical mothers did not intervene easily when their children misbehaved. That reason is that they knew intuitively that most childish and immature behaviors exhibited by children that would be seen as "naughty" by modern standards are actually developmentally appropriate behavior given their age and developmental level. Most things that children learn they learn by example, not direct instruction. Children naturally grow out of most childish and immature behaviors in due time. Patience in parenting means waiting for the child to mature. Children usually grow towards the example of their parents. Simply take an undeserving attitude towards life, and your children will follow. 

Children are in the providing custody of their parents, primarly that of their mother, and secondarily that of their father. Mothers formed a secure attachment to their children, and did so by providing for them nourishment and sustenance, namely attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and skin-on-skin comfort. During the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, never leaving her side, being wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling clothing, perhaps being allowed to suckle her teat if milk-hungry. When around the age of 6, children started exploring the terrain more, venturing further and further from home (checking in with mom first, of course). But, when children had enough of the real world, they retreated to the closeness of mothers, with mothers serving as home base for their children, until children were ready to venture on their own. Children became securely attached to fathers through mothers, learning how to relate to their father through their mother, with the father making himself at home through masturbatory fantasy about the child. Fathers encouraged the religious vocation of children, and served as a playmate for children to play with. Fathers only interacted with the children with the express permission of mothers.

The abovementioned context details how to win over your child to being disciplined. Discipline isn't about imposing limits on children all the time, and backing them up with punishment. It is about having a disciplined example for children to follow, and backing that example up with a secure attachment. Then, when chidren follow example in front of you, catch that child being good, and praise and encourage their efforts to be good. Children are more likely to heed your example if they have a secure attachment to you. The growth will be slow, but it will be sure, with children eventually emulating your disciplined example as a parent. 

Righteous encouragement was a large part of Christian parenting in the 1st Century. Boys were praised with statements such as "Good work withstanding all odds!" or even just "I am proud of you". Girls were praised with physical affection from fathers, with the permission of mothers of course. Encouragement was seen as a way to accelerate the absorption of the Christian example of parents.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!