Independence: Why parents in biblical times wanted their children to be as independent as possible (not just listen and obey)

Many parents think that the Bible tells them to get their children to listen to and obey authority. Obedience is a valid thing to teach children, as obedience is a Christian family value that this nation was founded upon. But, the goal of parenting for the Ancient Jews and Early Christians did not hinge on obedience. It hinged on children being as independent as possible. Christian attachment parenting is attachment parenting with a Christian focus, with much focus on independence skills. What is the secret in the biblical context to children being as independent as possible? Healthy dependence, for as long as necessary.

Healthy dependence happens in the context of a mutual submission relationship between parent and child. Parents are to be submissive to children, just as they would be to God. In turn, children are to rest safely and securely in the love and submission of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children as they would God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children from beneath, yet from above, revering children as extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up this legal context in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child.

Children, in biblical times, wore absolutely no clothing, at all, until they became adults. Women only wore clothing outside the home, but otherwise went in the nude, in order to serve both their husbands and their children, separately. Mothers served their children by providing for them nourishment and sustenance, namely attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and skin-on-skin comfort. Up until age 6, children never left the side of their mother. Starting at age 6 - or possibly later - children started asserting their autonomy, starting with sleeping in their own area of the house. Children continued insisting on doing things on their own, and fathers encouraged their children to be as independent as possible.

Healthy dependence is where children are encouraged to be as independent as possible, but only at their own pace. In order for a child to thrive and be as independent as possible, they need all of their needs met in childhood, including all of their attachment needs. Children, for the first few years of childhood, should receive nothing but closeness and intimacy, in the form of a secure attachment. Then, children will want to be independent on their own, at their own pace. 

All children want to become independent adults. It is just that some children might want to become independent later in life than most children, and some think they are ready before they are ready, and all shades in between. Childhood development is hinged on the childhood drive to become independent, usually mixed with wanting to be like their parents (if they have good parents). Children can explore the world away from their parents, but they also need a home base to recharge, which is closeness with parents. This recharge gives children the strength and stamina to insist on independence. Children need time with their parents in order to have time away from parents.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!