Respect: Why respect should be earned in parenting

Many parents think that their children owe them respect, often citing the Bible to justify their entitled demands for respect. This is a common mistake parents make, thinking they are deserving of respect. Most parents believe they are entitled to respect from children. The fact of the matter is that parents, according to proper interpretation of Scripture, need to earn the respect of children.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to ensure that children have a warm and loving upbringing, with parents winning over the respect and affection of children. When attachment parenting is used to the fullest in Christian parenting, children listen to parents, automatically and out of instinct, not questioning the motives of parents, trusting parents mean well in what they say or do, going along with parents in whatever they say or do. Obedience to parents is not something you force onto children, but instead is a willful choice on the part of a child to surrender to parents, with such surrender into the arms of parents being in response to parents fulling the cup of a child to the top with the every vulnerable need of said child. This verse lifts up the customary laws and church ordinance mandating attachment parenting, thus lifting up the attachment parenting context of the Bible.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishment or controlling demeanor towards a child. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children too many times, and after receiving many warnings that their punitive parenting habits were in violation of the Law. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damage or offense stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding a child hostage merely for things they did wrong. Paul here was lifting up the Law for a group of Greek Christians who were bringing their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any punishment of a child whatsoever. Paul, here, was advocating for children growing up in Greek and Roman Christian homes, who were being beaten and brutalized for the minutest of "purity" offenses. Paul would have none of it in the church communities he oversaw, and sought to educate the Greeks and the Romans on proper Jewish parenting.

Mothers, in biblical times, were the adults primarily charged with the care and protection of children. Mothers then did not gain cooperation from their children by way of spanking or punishment. Instead, mothers gained cooperation and respect by way of skin-on-skin comforting strategies. Children wore no clothing, at all, until they were adults. Mothers only wore clothing outside the home, and otherwise, didn't wear any clothing either. Mothers and children snuggled with each other, engaging in mammary closeness, with the child placed on the bosom of mothers, in skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy. This also translated onto fathers in terms of respect, with fathers either encouraging the religious education of children, or standing guard with a rod and staff, prepared to beat intruders with his rod and staff. 

The result of such parenting? Children didn't leave the side of mothers until age 6, and even if children did leave their mother's side, they didn't leave the line of sight of parents. Respect for parents was a concept in biblical times, but respect for parents then was based off of closeness to parents, not fear of punishment from parents. Children ranged beside mothers, or else were co-mingled to her bosom or back, and didn't leave her side. Fathers also had access to children, but only with the permission of mothers.

Respect is to be earned, not bestowed. This means, in the biblical tense, that respect for parents does exist as a concept, but should be based on closeness to parents. Closeness to mothers in particular, during the child's first 6 years of life, translates into respect and even obedience later on. It is not good to try and get children to respect you as a parent. You have to form a bond with your child, and earn your child's respect. Otherwise, if you demand respect, and go down that route, you end up with a child that hates you and rebels. Teenage rebellion shouldn't be full of disrespect, but instead should involve the teenager taking initiative to be more independent, and this push should come naturally. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!