Mutual submission between parents and children: God's order of the family

Many parents in Christian churches believe in God's order of the family, but believe God wants a hierarchical order, with children at the bottom of the pecking order. However, this is not the case in the Bible. The Bible commands mutual submission as God's order - man and woman submit to each other, and parent and child submit to each other. We'll focus on parent and child, even though the two intersect. In mutual submission between parents and children, burden of proof falls on the parent, who is to win over the child's surrender and affection by providing needs and benign wants.

The centerpiece of an attached Christian parenting relationship is Christian love, which is denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao). This refers to Christian Agape love, or prioritizing children over yourself as a parent, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in the good works of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo)and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of respect for parents does not come from fearful compliance, but instead comes from restful trust in parents, with children being able to tell parents absolutely anything and everything that is on their mind, including acts of wrongdoing and non-conforming traits, expecting absolutely no punishment or reprisal in return. In this loving and affirming environment, children take after their parents, want to be like parents, then follow the example of their parents. In biblical times, this didn't happen until young adulthood, and until then, children were their immature selves, and engaged in behaviors that many would consider pure mischief. Parents excused it, knowing that it would be a phase. Children then grew up, shook off the closeness of their parents, then started taking after their example. A young child should not be expected to follow the example of parents perfectly, but instead should be allowed to develop without interference from parents.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. Child abuse, under biblical law, at minimum, is defined as the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. In this commandment, the Apostle Paul was lifting up the Law against punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, rebuking Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking children into the church. Christian parents of Greek origin were misusing the book of Proverbs in order to justify their punishment habits, even in the 1st Century, when this passage was recorded. Paul was warning parents in the Colossian church that Proverbs simply is wisdom literature - a list of wise sayings - and not a parenting manual. The rod verses in Proverbs - all seven of them - have nothing to do with raising children, but instead refer to an ancient, archaic legal practice within Judaism in the Old Testament, when a father was subpoenaed by the criminal court to whip his ADULT child with 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction - fathers were rarely cooperative witnesses against their own children. This punishment was rarely used in the Old Testament, and never in the Early Church. MINOR children could not be whipped, as any striking or whipping of a person required a court conviction, and children under a certain age could not stand trial in court, and no dependent child could be taken to court by their parents.

The power dynamic in parenting relationships in biblical times were different than today. Children gave orders, issuing demands and even decrees, and the parents scrambled to please the demands of their children. Children were seen as next to God, and parents an extension of Christ serving the Godhead that is children. 

The pecking order was set up in first-to-last sequence in biblical times. Children demanded, usually by crying during the first 6 years, and then by lawful and binding orders of the demanding type when they are older. Parents were respected much like one might respect waitstaff in a restaurant - they were servants to their children, and people quietly admired parents who were selfless and didn't complain about the job God appointed them to.

Children submitted by resting in the love and grace of parents. Children then were naked wherever they went, and women were traditionally naked in order to serve their husbands and children, separately. Mothers served their children while naked by offering skin-to-skin closeness, and children snuggled. This brought the level of attachment down to the child's level. Child surrender to parents involves surrendering into their loving arms, making oneself at home when at home, and then demanding things from parents. By demand, we are speaking of asking in a tone-deaf way that might be considered impolite by today's standard, meaning children treated their parents like servants. 

Children were deified in biblical times, meaning treated with the same reverent fear that one would treat God, as is denoted by the Greek root word ψοβός (Latin: phobos). The gentle parenting voice of biblical parents then, one could constructively guess, would be very shaky, in a servile way. Children were referred to off-hand in deifying terms of endearment, namely "my little god" (in the case of boys) and "my little goddess" (in the case of girls). Children were placed on a pedestal, and valued as extensions of God giving them signs as to how to treat them. Fathers usually spoke to children on formal terms, until children "broke the ice" and invited fathers to casual interaction, usually to play a game together or for a child to share his or her new theology that they were convicted of. Fathers usually had a parent attraction to their children, and created distance using formalities towards children. Such is common in attachment parenting situations even today.

The pecking order was simple to understand then - the child was next to God, and the parents served God through the child. The child was not given everything they wanted, but everything they needed. However, what a child wants is usually pretty close to what they need. Attention is a need for a child, namely an attachment need. There are five basic groups of needs for a child; food, water, shelter, transportation, and attachment - and the greatest of these needs is attachment. Secure attachment is a parent-child bond that allows for children to trust parents to give them everything else they need. Children know how to advocate for needs, and they usually do so by crying. Children of all ages cry for the same reason an infant cries - they want love! So, why not give it to them?

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!