Zero expectations in parenting: Why not to expect anything from your child (have preferences instead)

Many parents think it is good to have expectations for their children. This is a common mistake that parents make. Most parents do not know that they are in danger of falling into entitlement with their children just for expecting things from them. 

The Greek root word denoting entitlement, and cross-referencing the Tenth Commandment, is πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés) and refers officially to parental entitlement, meaning want from or of a child to the point of imposition. Unofficially, this word means any want towards a child, period. An expectation implies imposition onto a child, meaning imposing a want onto a child, and that is the textbook definition of entitlement. Preferences, on the other hand, are simply statements of desired traits or behaviors in a child, to the point of working to win your child's cooperation over, without imposed punishment or control.

Christian love should be front and center in your parent-child bond with your child, with that love being denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao). Christian love in parenting is putting children first, and parents last, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of respect is not formed out of fearful compliance, but out of restful trust in parents, enough to tell them anything and everything that is on their minds, including admissions of wrongdoing, expecting absolutely no punishment or reprisal in return. Parents in biblical times were bondservants beholden to their child's every vulnerable need, being convicted as righteous slaves to their child, sacrificing for children as extensions of Christ submitting to the Godhead that is children. Attachment parenting was the established norm in Ancient Israel and the Early Church alike. Think a Christian mother holding pales of water, with a young child wrapped up next to her bosom in swaddling blankets, with an older child strapped to her back in a papoose bag, with the mother gathering water to cook food with and to drink. Boil over, then safe. That was the parenting then. Rest in parents means warm and sustaining closeness and intimacy with parents, particularly mothers.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. This refers to the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child. In this commandment, Paul was lifting up the Law on punishment and controlling demeanor towards children, rebuking Greek Christians for misusing the book of Proverbs to justify their pagan custom of spanking children that they brought with them into the church. Even then, gentile Christians were plagiarizing King Solomon's writing to justify spanking children. King Solomon was against striking a child ever. In the English-language translation of the Bible, translation errors in Proverbs wrongly depict children as recipients of adult punishment, when "child" referred to an ADULT child, namely a young man over the age of majority. The punishment depicted was instead the 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction, as a final warning before an ADULT child was put to death, and without the conviction of a capital offense, the whipping couldn't occur. Minor age was a defense for any criminal act or civil wrong, in anyone's court of law, including even their parents' court of law.

There is a difference between preferences and expectations in parenting. When you expect anything of a child, you might be affronted when they don't listen or act as they are expected to, and then you fall into entitlement when you miserably keep correcting them to "get them" to meet expectations. Preferences, on the other hand, simply are a statement of values, and if children don't meet them, they weren't supposed to yet due to age and development.

The main reasons that children are punished are for developmentally appropriate reasons, meaning behaviors understandable given the child's age and development. The idea is to not punish a child for them not following instructions, but instead assume that they didn't understand what was being asked of them, due to brain size and shape. Most behaviors that annoy you as the parent (but not the child or anyone else) are phases, meaning if you leave children alone about it, they will grow out of the behaviors on their own. Crying deserves empathy, as does whining and pouting. Usually, eye rolling means the teenager feels cornered in an argument, in which case the argument shouldn't exist, and you should instead, as the parent, seek to cooperate with your child. 

The way to start cooperation is to focus on attachment, not forcing expectations on children. The more you treat your child with Christian love, meaning prioritizing your child's needs above your own, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children. When you cooperate with the needs your child advocates, your child will cooperate with what you need from them later on. They won't be perfect at cooperating as younger children, but as older children - including teens and young adults - they will be more cooperative and respectful towards parents. All cooperation in parenting stems from attachment, meaning a secure parent-child bond started early, that lasts a lifetime.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the everlasting lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!