Pro-social listening, pro-social crying/punching bag, pro-social vulnerability: How to deal with aggressive behaviors in children

Many parents are perplexed by their child's aggressive or otherwise destructive behaviors. This is a common theme in some children, especially those with mood disorders such as bipolar disorder. Many parents and schools both seek out aversive strategies in dealing with behaviors that don't change the behavior, and in fact, make it worse. The fact of the matter is that vulnerability tactics are better in dealing with aggressive or destructive behaviors in children. 

Many adults think that an aggressive child needs more structure. They, in fact, need less, and a safe place to be themselves as well, which the family home should serve. Children who are chronically aggressive either learned the habit or have a mood disorder, or both. Either way, the answer is LESS discipline, not more, and with the child being cut many breaks. One of the best things my one school vice principal did was send me home on medical leave, because I couldn't function even though I wanted to in school. It literally was a physical ailment of the brain. More schools should react in this way.

The centerpiece of a Christian parenting relationship is Christian love, as denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to prioritizing children first, and yourself as a parent last, in a convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV: 

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This form of respect for parents does not come from fearful compliance, but instead comes from restful trust in parents. When a child with bipolar disorder trusts you as a parent, you end up hearing all their feelings, including their physical aggression. Respect for parents in biblical times was based off of trust to the point of venting to parents. Then, children took after the example of their parents later in life.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. Child abuse, under biblical law, at minimum, refers to the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. In this commandment, the Apostle Paul is lifting up the Law against punishment and controlling demeanor, rebuking Greek Christian parents for bringing their pagan custom of spanking children into the church. Christian parents of Greek origin were using the book of Proverbs to justify their punishment habits even in the 1st Century, when this passage was being written. Paul was warning that Proverbs was simply wisdom literature, not a set of commands on how to raise a child. The Apostle Paul was anti-spanking, and opposed punishing a child for any reason, as was the case with King Solomon. The rod verses in Proverbs instead describe the 40 minus 1 lashes as a form of judicial corporal punishment, imposed once on an ADULT child - as a last warning before being put to death.

The first line of defense with aggressive behavior is listening and validating upsets. A mother can do this by holding her child to the top of her bosom, with the child then surrendering into her arms in skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy. This usually de-escalates children immediately, and then their anger turns into crying. This is a quick trick to de-escalate a ramming up child, with or without mood disorders. This is what mothers in biblical times did for their children.

Sometimes, that doesn't work, in which case you incur an attack from the child (Matt. 5:38-39). The goal is not to hurt yourself, but to surrender to being helpless as a parent to help your child feel better, so you take the punches, and cry to admit helplessness over the situation with your child. Your child should then stop crying, and then reconciliation can occur. Children will likely want to fix the harm they caused, and scramble to reassure their parent, and it would be like they snapped out of it. 

A rage attack in a child with bipolar disorder or other mood disorders is a seizure-like explosion of anger, usually triggered by the word "no". The fight-or-flight centers of the brain just light up, as if the child was fighting for dear life, say, to get a piece of candy. Do care to say "yes" to as many things as possible with these children to avoid power struggles leading to a violent outburst. 

No mood disorder in a child can be treated without medication. Medication first, then dealing with behaviors, though you might find that medication has a transformative effect on your child. It is a myth that gentle parents are all anti-medication. It is more likely that punitive parents are anti-medication because they see it as "the easy way out" for children, who "really just need a good spanking/whipping/whopping" or something along those lines. That only triggers aggression in these children, meaning they are highly sensitive people, but in a repressed way where they even see the word "no" as the end of the world. 

The depraved and entitled parents will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the evet-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!