The word "no": Why it should be rare and inconsequential

Many parents think attachment parenting opposes the word "no". Many of us, myself included, are opposed to the word, but not the concept, meaning I'll find other ways to decline a want of a child that don't involve that word. But, the word is understood by many as what you say to a child to set a limit, so it has space in a title.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure trust in parents. Replace "obey" with "trust" and you come to a roughly better translation. This refers to open, honest trust where children can be open and honest about their emotions with parents, crying and screaming their upsets out, with parents merely being calm and stoic, but in a listening way, perhaps with a reassuring arm wrapped around the child's back, wiping away tears from their upset. This includes the rare time the word "no" had to be used.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to provocations to anger against a child, meaning any and all offenses against a child, as defined by the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul and the legal context in which it was written from to prohibit any punitive parenting, meaning any punishment or control in parenting, such as spanking and corporal punishment. The Apostle Paul was rebuking Greek Christians who were holding onto the pagan custom of spanking and whipping children, which was legally defensible under Roman law, but never Jewish law. It was considered kidnapping, which was seen as deserving of death, even as Christ spared the offender on the cross. The traditional death penalty under Jewish law for abusive parents was bloodletting after 40 minus 1 lashes with the rod of correction - the same one mentioned in "rod verses" like Prov. 13:24. The rod of correction consisted of a switch, and was an instrument of legal correction of ADULT children of fathers, with fathers merely being accessories to the state appointed by the court to warn his errant adult son that continuing a certain pattern of behavior would cost him his life, and by that point, mom and dad can't save you. No minor child was ever whipped, and when that did happen, it was documented by extended family, and eventually, the father was whipped and possibly put to death by way of hanging by way of bloodletting, and then were hung on a cross as a warning to other parents - do not abuse your child. Striking a child for any reason was seen by the religious authorities as kidnapping, and in and of itself deserving of the rod of correction within the law. Christ died in order to abolish all capital and corporal punishment, as these were hindrances to the message of forgiveness Jesus Christ taught.

The word "no" is referred to in Eph. 6:4 by the Greek root word νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers roughly to an agreed-upon warning, where the parent warns the child that something they want is unattainable or unsafe. Denial of requests is a righteous test, not a fool-proof way to "get them to listen". You say "no" or its nice equivalent, and then see if the child will listen, and if they don't, they don't get it, and won't until later - perhaps much later. A child may not have the brain capacity to understand why a behavior is wrong. So, keep them safe in such cases, as such is the only thing you can do. No amount of punishment will ever "make" a child behave, as they will find ways around it, and find ways to go behind your back, and then communication will be lost. Most childhood behavior is a phase anyway, so if it annoys you, deal with it, as it is only going to last maybe a few months or a few years. Crying is a phase (early childhood), whining is a phase (late childhood), and eye-rolling and pouting are a phase (adolescence). That's just how children communicate, so deal with it.

Also, keep in mind that behavior is communication. A child has a limited vocabulary, and strong impulses, and so they will be driven to act out in order to get a need met. Children are actually rational enough to know what they need, but they don't know how to express it in a mature, adult fashion until they are older. Punishment shuts down that communication right away. God wants YOU as a parent to have a healthy, open line of communication with your child, through early childhood, and into adolescence. The Lord wants you and your child to come to a point of cooperation, and it starts with YOU as the parent. Thus, spare the word "no" or its various variants for when it is absolutely warranted, such as when something is unsafe or completely unattainable (perhaps due to finances), and pair the word with reassurance for any upset stemming from grieving the denial. If ever possible, compromise with your child to make things work.

The word "no" should be a rare word in a Christian home uttered to a child, and perhaps a common word to be uttered to a parent instead. All outbursts and acting out should be seen as self-advocacy for a need. But, when it is to be used, it is a righteous test - that's all it is. Children don't have the developmental capacity to comprehend and understand every statement of declined requests, and thus they may seek out wants anyway, in which case all a parent can do is keep them safe.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death, which is Satan's final resting place! Let them descend into the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath for all eternity! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!