Pro-social mirror: Why control in parenting is sin

Many parents want control over their children, and punish their children when they are out of control. Ever felt like your child was controlling you or manipulating you? There is a reason for that - pro-social mirror. Whatever you do to control is mirrored in your child's behavior.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, just as adult believers rest and trust in Lord Jesus Christ. Replace "obey" with "trust" and you roughly arrive at the correct conclusion. This commandment was written aside to Christian parents and commanded Christian parents to earn the trust of their children, with this trust being secure and maternal in form. Think "Silent Night". Think suckling child. That was how parents earned the trust of their children, meaning children went in the nude all the time so that mothers could snuggle with them in skin-to-skin closeness. Respect for parents starts with warm closeness and trust. Christ even, as an infant, was dressed up in swaddling clothes. This meant He would be held by Mary in skin-to-skin closeness, with the swaddling clothes being rearranged to wrap about His mother's bosom.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to provocations to anger imposed upon children by adults, meaning offenses against children, as defined as the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. This included, by the intent of the inspired pen of the Apostle Paul, a prohibition on all punishment and controlling attitudes towards children, including corporal punishment. Paul was rebuking Greek Christian parents who followed the idolatrous, pagan Greco-Roman tradition of spanking children, which was prohibited under the Law, meaning merely punishing a child was seen as a form of kidnapping due to its hostage-taking nature. 

The Apostle Paul was ultimately speaking of "stirring up" children with your punitive example towards them. Paul was warning fathers especially that children treated others and their parents as their parents treated them, meaning pro-social mirror. Children mirror their abusive parents, usually with outright defiance and disrespect, because they were disrespected with punishment and control as children. Paul was severely scolding Greek Christian fathers like only a church deacon could do, and saying that whipping or spanking children was kidnapping. Paul was saying on the side that children are mirrors into our own flaws as parents and adults, and that the more anger and punishment you put into a child, the more you end up receiving from them.

The rod verses in Proverbs ultimately referred to a legal context that does not apply today, and refers to not embarrassing parents as a young adult by violating the law. The rod of correction ultimately refers to judicial corporal punishment, not home corporal punishment, and it refers to the punishment that ADULT children received. Striking a child without legal authority in the Old Testament was seen as uncleanness, and that legal authority was never given towards a minor child. Whippings were very rare, and a child abuser was more likely to be whipped than a child, by far, only a handful of young men were whipped, and it was for elder abuse against parents, not simply "talking back". `

Most parenting in ancient Jewish and Christian cultures was attachment-based in nature, meaning children snuggled next to mother. Children played freely, but rarely out of the line of sight of parents. Children showed their true selves to their parents, and did not fear talking back. The Fifth Commandment is written to adults, and prohibits elder abuse, as an adult, not merely "smart mouth" as a child. To most Hebrew parents then, a child that talked back was seen as advocating a need in a tone-deaf way, usually an attachment needs. "Disrespect" then meant beating your parents into adulthood (some physical aggression was to be endured by parents by minor children). But, at the same time, if your child has to resort to physical violence all the time, you must be very bad at listening to your child. Hebrew and Christian parents were good listeners to their children, with the listening usually being one-sided, and children many times not mincing words around their parents - children were their true selves around parents, and didn't fear punishment because of it. Reporting elder abuse was heavily stigmatized then because the general attitude was "they had to learn it somewhere" and thus the victim of the elder abuse became the perpetrator for modeling violence and disrespect by punishing and disrespecting children.

Children were revered as extensions of God, and the wrath of your child was to be feared and revered at the same time. Children were worshipped just as ancestors were in the biblical context, as children were seen as signs of God. Think "O Holy Night". That is how most all children but the most maligned in ancient Jewish and Christian cultures. The vulnerability of a child was seen as a convicting force to be reckoned with, and parents just could not deny anything from their child except improper or unattainable wants. Children naturally rebelled in terms of demanding wants and orders towards parents, but parents simply took the orders and appeased the rebellion to keep children happy.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death, which is the devil's tomb! Let them suffer in Hell and torment for ever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!