Why children should be taught independence (not obedience)

Many parents want their children to be obedient. This leads to punishment and control in the home. Many parents think punishment "brings up" children, when in reality, it makes children more dependent on punishment in order to function. The goal of every parent should be for a child to be as independent as possible.

Surrender to parents is an independent one, yet a resting one. It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, with children being able to be themselves in relation to parents, being able to tell parents anything and everything under the sun, with the energy and rambunctiousness of children channeled towards parents as a form of reverent rebellion, with parents sacrificing for children in the spirit that Christ sacrificed for His children, with children resting securely and warmly in the sacrifice of parents, showing their true selves to their parents, with parents being safe people who love them. This fosters independence and self-reliance in children. Ancient Judeo-Christian culture then strongly endorsed independence. This starts with attachment parenting, meaning children being allowed to develop freely and without punitive constraints. A child needs much nurturing in early childhood in order to be independent earlier. Children went in the nude then, and that was for mothers to treat children with skin-to-skin treatment through co-sleeping, with women also being unclothed when in the confines of their home. Children co-slept with mothers right up until adulthood, with mothers and daughters being inseparable until daughters hit adulthood. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and literally translates to "stirring up" upset and resentment in children, as in the Jewish adage of "stirring the pot" in relation to the emotional well-being of your child. Vs. 21 is a direct command from God through the Apostle Paul prohibiting corporal punishment, and other forms of punishment and control over children in parenting. Greco-Roman parenting was very authoritarian, and relied heavily on punishment of children, with the goal being obedience. Paul would have none of it in the churches he oversaw, and so he uplifted the Law, meaning the Eighth Commandment, which here means the slightest of offense perceived by the child. Christian parenting then was attachment based, and was a form of attachment parenting that was exemplary in nature, meaning parents were a child's first role models, with parents being an extension of Christ in the home, sacrificing for their children as the Living Example of Christ imparted to children. Paul handed out attachment parenting manuals, and turned their parental aggression instincts (physical/verbal or sexual/pedophilic) inwards towards themselves, deeming themselves a possible threat to their child, restraining themselves when their child cried or made demands for needs, instead supplying needs. The exemplary teaching was intended to be encouraging of independent thinking and living, with parents using Socratic reasoning to reason with their children (Eph. 6:4). The concept was reverent rebellion, meaning children were allowed to think for themselves and, in fact, were expected to do so. There were many acceptable theological conclusions in the Early Christian church, and a child could come to a different theological conclusion than their parents, and if a child thought entirely the same, that was actually a bad sign. Spanking and corporal punishment did exist in the Old Testament for adult children, but only as a sentence for crime, meaning judicial corporal punishment. The punishment was 40 minus 1 lashes in the Old Testament, and all of that was abolished by Christ for enduring it. The Early Christian church communities never used corporal punishment as a form of church discipline except rarely when between spouses with consent beforehand by marriage contract. Children ruled parents from beneath, meaning a child alone had the right to press charges against their parents for child abuse, meaning provocation to anger by way of kidnapping or simple theft. Parents were in a leadership role, but feared provoking their children to wrath, lest they be branded an abuser and excommunicated from the Christian churches of God, being collectively shunned.

The goal of parenting then was independence, not obedience. Before that could happen, parents were as close as possible to children, to give them the tools and cushioning to be as independent as possible as a young adult. The cushioning then was allowing children to be close with parents. Children, when left to their own devices, see parents as safe people to be themselves around, and most of the time, they run out of energy quicker and then shake their parents off. This is God's parenting standard now. The child that is very independent, in a positive way, likely has a securely attached relationship with their parents. Shaking away from parents is flying from the nest once you see yourself as ready. Children raised in such a home usually are the quiet type that keep to their parents, meaning their parents are their best friends, and they are independent alongside their parents, in a positive way. They do listen to their parents, but with their own moral compass, influenced by parents but ultimately their own.

Independence and self-reliance were virtues in ancient Judeo-Christian society. "God helps those who help themselves" is what the old Christian adage is, referencing several verses in Proverbs. The ancient Hebrews were a society based on individual responsibility, meaning men especially were expected to provide for themselves once of age, which was 13 for young men. Young women could also be self-reliant in the Early Church, usually as church deacons and elders. Obedience was not a major trait that was preferred in ancient Hebrew culture by parents and greater society, as an honorable man was self-reliant and independent, and relied on nobody for a handout, and was grateful for anything handed to him freely.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger by inducing dependence on punishment will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!