Defiance in children: Why your child is a reflection of your attitudes

Many parents have trouble with defiance, namely "back talk" from children. Most all of these parents are unaware of the Bible actually says about defiance. A certain level of defiance is healthy, but becomes unhealthy when the parent is in danger of death or serious bodily injury from a child, usually an older child or teenager. Otherwise, for the most part, children have the right to petition for a needs, and/or a redress of grievances as to such.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, as this is well-pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they become discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to providing custody, meaning children rest in the love and grace of parents, supplying the every demand of children, holding space for children to show their true selves, owing absolutely nothing in relation to parents, yet nonetheless showing gratitude to parents by listening to the voice of parents, meaning a reassuring voice that guides gently, like a tug, our of reassurance and familiarity and not fear of punishment. Pro-social defiance is allowed under this command, and parents are not to correct such defiance, but instead look for the antecedent of defiance, which is always to get a need when not heard out the first time. The idea is to listen to children when they first ask, which is not always polite, especially when they are younger. Teaching Christian politeness and manners by showing such to them, even when they don't show them to you. Allow children to scream, cry, and shout you down for their needs, with you doing nothing but listening, validating every emotion, instead of punishing or controlling children. 

In vs. 21, the Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and literally refers to "stirring the pot" regarding your child's anger, and refers to the offenses in the legal context of the Bible, specifically here the provocation of a child to anger through a parent's or adult's own fits of anger directed towards the child, usually here referring to scourging and whipping children as punishment in the Hellenistic tradition, which the Law forbade except as a form of judicial corporal punishment, and even then only in the Old Testament, and only towards adults being condemned to death row (see again Prov. 13:24 and Heb. 12:6). In the New Testament. 

Ultimately, here, Paul is talking about the counterwill of children, which is an accepted psychological concept where the more an adult controls a child, the more they rebel to rid themselves of being controlled. This, children with oppositional-defiance actually need a looser schedule. They often have mood disorders such bipolar disorder, and especially when purely manic, appear as having ADHD on the outside, but whereas a child with ADHD needs something to do, bipolar mania requires different accommodations - next to no structure, and time to run around with light but vigilant supervision. Bipolar mania is hyperactivity to the point where the child cannot stay on task with the minutest of "busy work" and will, if sat down, get right up and start pacing, possibly screaming chants, and defying anyone who gets in their way, out of deep-seated irritation. I have the disorder, and now it is fully medicated, which erases all of the ODD symptoms, but not creativity associated with the disorder. Until a child like this is medicated, the child needs a looser structure, NOT more structure, meaning also more space held by parents to lash out, with parents being the pro-social punching bag, absorbing the every upset of a child, like a psychotherapist absorbs the complaints and upsets of their client. In the biblical tense, humanistic psychotherapy in particular is a parental position in society, meaning parents have similar duties of a child therapist towards their own child, in terms of listening, and children are usually defiant simply because they aren't getting that type of listening, and this is also the case, albeit to a smaller degree, with children who have bipolar disorder. 

The Apostle Paul was reiterating this, in so many words, to fathers especially in the Colossian church - the more you constrain a defiant child, the more they fight back, and the more you provoke them to anger. He, when delivering this commandment to the Christian church at Colossae, was pointing to the fact that a child is a mirror of a parent's anger habits, meaning the more you throw fits of anger in front of your children, perhaps spanking and punishing them in the process, the more they throw fits of anger. With some children, such as children with autism, where they see themselves as the center of the world and will not cave to punishment most times, this is obvious, but every child sort of reflects the parent's anger to the parents themselves, like a mirror, and this is what Paul was warning Christian parents about.

The depraved and entitled parents will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Corporal punishment of children shall not exist within the several United States and territories, and when a parent or other adult identifies by the act, they shall not exist, but since murder is wrong, lock them up and throw away the key if they don't want help from their local Children and Youth service agency. Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!