What to do about defiance in a child

 Many parents hate defiance in a child, meaning most in this country. Most don't know what to do about such a child. The fact of the matter is that defiance comes from a mirroring mechanism in children, where they mirror attitudes from parents and other adults they emulate in life.

It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things, as is well-pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they become discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, being able to share anything with parents, and be oneself, owing absolutely nothing towards parents, yet being grateful for the love and grace of parents leading to hearing their voice, understanding what parents want in a developmentally-appropriate manner, leading to heeding instruction based on the imprint of the parent's reassuring, soothing voice which always gets their attention. Some of us who have a secure attachment to a parent, even in adulthood, can perk up when we hear her keys going into the mailbox, or even a certain pattern of footstep that we naturally identify as hers. Usually, it is a mother in this society, but can be a father. This is linked to Christian love for a child, denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao) and refers to being struck with reverent fear and terror by a child's every vulnerable need, leading to surrendering to God through your child, submitting to God as an enemy, just as mankind is the enemy of God and has to make amends with Him, sacrificing for one's child just as Christ sacrificed for the good of His children, shielding them from blame, with parents rendering themselves beneath a child, devaluing oneself to that level as a parent, ministering to and serving a child from that level, with shamefacedness and humility, with the child in place of God (Matt. 25:31-46), expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to the offenses, meaning anything the child takes offense to by their perception, coming from a place of parental entitlement in parents/adults, meaning wanting things from a child to the point of imposing said want onto a child, as denoted by the Greek root word πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés). Entitlement of this sort can be emulated in a child's behavior, which is what the Apostle Paul was warning the Christian church at Colossae, where fathers were using idolatrous parenting customs that included whipping of young boys and ritual spanking of teenage girls who were "unchaste", both part of the surrounding Hellenistic culture. Christian purity meant shunning the old pagan ways, and not punishing a child ever, as is the Hebraic understanding of the Bible.

Ultimately, Paul was making a statement referring to secure attachment. Secure attachment brings out in children strong emotion towards parents that they would never share elsewhere, and should also being forth openness of communication. Attachment is like a mirror of your own attitudes towards your child. If your child is oppositional and defiant, that shows how you appear to them and their needs. When you defy a child's needs by controlling and punishing them as a form of "benign" deprivation (as I endured in my authoritative upbringing), they treat you back with the same brush, meaning when you beat them, they will always resist control, as is the flawed nature of children. Counterwill is the term used by psychologists, meaning the more you control a child, the more they control back, meaning the most controlling, defiant children in a school setting are probably the most controlled at home. Children usually defy, pout, or cry to advocate for a need, as they many times do not have the vocabulary to advocate their every need, and need adults to diagnose their needs by trial and error, not even just as infants, but as even older children to some degree.

Attachment parenting then was the norm in Jewish circles of the Christian community then, as well as the Old Testament, with the child abuse problem ending up being in the gentile, Greek circles of believers, where the Apostle Paul was often called to call on churches to crack down on pro-spanking parents, meaning excommunicate them for kidnapping. The Law forbade any entitled act which could be perceived as an offense by your neighbor, and that included children. Children ruled from beneath, meaning they made demands on their parents, and demand had to be met with supply. Parents were not seen as authority figures then, but servants to their children, with young children up to age 3 swaddled to their mothers and treated as infants, with older children playing in close range to mothers, with her reassuring, motherly voice calling them back when they stray too far, due to the dangerous hazards in the desert...The modern day message is that parents, by the biblical understanding, are safe persons for the child, meaning safe outlets to show their emotions to, using parents as a pro-social punching bag in that regard.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn and rot in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices. Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!