Defiance: Why not to punish your child for defiance

Many parents think that defiant children deserve punishment. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that their children are out to "undermine" them. However, defiance happens when a child cannot accept a set limit. Punishing children for defiance is a form of child abuse, and was seen as such in the Early Church.

God's Law on child abuse is spelled out in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child, including for defiance. However, it isn't enough to stop spanking your children, or even stop punishing your children altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in your child. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give meaningful apology whenever you hurt your children's feelings. One thing that hurts a child's feelings is when they cannot accept a set limit. One way that children express displeasure for set limits is through defiance. Defiance usually comes in the forceful tears. The key to dealing with defiance is to apologize to your child whenever you hurt their feelings with a limit that they cannot accept. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of a half-apology, when children cannot accept a limit not set out of anger. However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards children is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this passage was ultimately received then as prohibiting any offense as perceived by a child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men. 

Defiance is normal behavior in children. Most children have their moments when they defy their parents. This happens when a child cannot accept a set limit. They aren't out to get you. They just can't accept the limits that you set for them. This is when an apology is in order. If you simply set a limit, and weren't angry about it, a half-apology should suffice. However, if you are at all angry with your child when setting limits, you need to give a formal apology. Children always forgive, and if they don't, you have officially traumatized your child. 

Anger at a child alone in the Early Church was seen as a form of entitlement. Most Christian parents in the Early Church were not motivated by anger. Instead, Christian parents then were motivated by worry or concern. The Early Christians saw parent anger directed towards children as akin to a viper lashing out at its prey - maybe the child was given warning, but not quite. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will nor inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!