Child discipline: How to discipline your child without punitive measures

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most parents have discipline as a goal of theirs. However, most American parents equate discipline with punishment. However, there are better ways to teach discipline than punitive measures.

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child. However, it is not enough for parents to stop spanking their children, or even stop punishing their children altogether for that matter. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, in the form of an informal apology, whenever you hurt your child's feelings with limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards a child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This first stanza of this commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanction on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this commandment was received as any offenses as perceived by the child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

The second stanza of this commandment spells out what discipline is acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to a certain specific form of nurturing, namely of the teaching sort. Christian parents in the Early Church looked for preferred behaviors in children, with the main one of these behaviors being self-discipline. When parents saw preferred behaviors in children, the child was lavishly praised and encouraged to keep up the good work. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for their children, but then backed it up with praise and encouragement, as opposed to punishment or force. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is more aptly translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. The Apostle Paul here was discussing religious instruction. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to keep on studying, with fathers then adding "you can ask me any question about that book". From there, religious instruction came in the form of question and answer, with children being curious about Scripture, and with fathers giving pointers as to the context. This method of catching children in the act of being good is the Hebraic tradition of positive reinforcement. This Hebraic tradition is also a part of the Jewish faith, and predates the coming of Christ by thousands of years.

Occasionally, parents need to set limits with their children. However, children accepting those limits is a whole other story. Whenever a child cannot accept a set limit, you as the parent must apologize whenever a limit hurts their feelings. Usually, all that is needed is an informal apology. However, if you set a limit out of anger or haste, you definitely need to give a formal apology whenever you hurt their feelings with your anger.

Parent anger directed towards children was not seen as acceptable as motivation for parenting. Most Christian parents in the Early Church were not motivated by anger, but instead were motivated by worry or concern. Anger at children was seen then as akin to a viper lashing out at a defenseless child - maybe the child got some warning, but that was about it. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!