Child discipline: How to discipline your child without punitive measures

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common goal for parents to have for their child. However, most American parents equate discipline with punishment. Most American parents punish their children and believe that punitive measures constitute proper discipline. However, there are better ways to teach discipline to children.

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is one thing to stop spanking your child. However, it is not enough to stop spanking children, or even stop punishing them altogether. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in children. Just like hurt feelings are inevitable in relations between adults, hurt feelings are also inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents, in the form of a half-apology, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, you definitely need to give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to losing your cool ever again, as losing your cool alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This stanza of this commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christians in the parish at Ephesus for bringing into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. However, this stanza of this commandment ultimately was received then as prohibiting all forms of offense perceived by a child. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned in the Early Church, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

The second stanza of this commandment states what types of discipline are acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to a specific form of nurturing, namely of the teaching type. Christian parents in the Early Church looked for preferred behaviors in children, such as self-discipline and self-control, and then praised and encouraged children for more of the same. Christian parents in the Early Church imparted a Christian example to their children, but backed it up by praise and encouragement, not punishment or shaming. Children naturally start to show self-discipline at around age 6, and when children showed self-discipline, they were praised and encouraged for more of the same. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is more aptly translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. Whenever children then were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were given lavish praise and encouragement to keep up the religious study. Fathers then said something along the lines of "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in the form of question and answer, with children being curious about Scripture, and with fathers giving pointers on the context. This stanza of this commandment denotes the Hebraic tradition of positive reinforcement. Jewish parents throughout history caught children being good and praised them, with this Hebraic tradition predating Christ by thousands of years. 

Sometimes, a parent needs to set a limit. But, children accepting limits is a whole other story. Whenever a child cannot accept a set limit, you need to apologize to them for having to set said limit. In most cases, all that is necessary is a half-apology to reassure children of your good intent. However, parent anger directed towards children was seen as clear entitlement then, in which case parents were required to give a formal apology for hurting their child's feelings. 

Anger at children was not the main motivator for parenting in the Early Church. Instead, parents were motivated not by anger, but instead by worry or concern. Anger directed towards children then was seen as akin to a viper lashing out at its prey. Maybe the child got some warning, but that's about it. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!