Positive reinforcement: How to discipline your child without punishment or force

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. However, most American parents think that punishment equates to discipline. But, the fact of the matter is that parents should not catch their children misbehaving and punish them. Instead, parents are to catch their children being good, and encourage more good behavior in children. 

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement, with this entitlement including any parent anger directed towards a child. It is one thing to stop punishing your child. However, it is not enough to stop spanking and punishing your children. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just as in relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when dealing with them. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you need to be willing to give a meaningful apology to your child whenever you hurt their feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents when a child cannot accept a limit not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting limits, you definitely need to give a formal apology to your child, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as losing your cool with your child alone is entitlement, and was seen as entitlement in the Early Church. This stanza of this commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christians in the parish at Ephesus who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, and is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

This second stanza of this commandment spells out what kind of discipline is acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with children. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to a specific form of teaching, namely of the teaching sort. Children then were left to form their own discipline. Whenever children started to show discipline, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to keep up the good work. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for their children to follow, but backed it up with praise and encouragement, not punishment or force. Christian parents in the Early Church looked for preferred behaviors in children, and when they showed those behaviors, they were praised and encouraged for more of the same. Religious instruction is also necessary in disciplining children, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is more aptly translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. The Apostle Paul here was referring to religious instruction in particular, done in a certain specific way. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were given lavish praise and encouragement to keep on studying the Bible. Fathers then said "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in question and answer format, with children being curious about Scripture, and with fathers being quick to give pointers on the context. This method of child discipline is known as positive reinforcement, and is a Hebraic tradition predating Christ by thousands of years. The idea is to catch your child being good, as opposed to catching them misbehaving, which is a Judeo-Christian tradition found even in the biblical context.

Sometimes, a child needs limits. However, them accepting limits is a whole other story. Parents asked their children to do things, as opposed to commanded things of their children. Usually, children trusted their parents enough to listen to them. However, if a child couldn't accept a limit, Christian parents in the Early Church apologized for having to set the limit, usually by way of a reassurance of good intent. But, when parents lost their cool with their child, they gave a formal apology to their children. In the Early Church, it was rare for parents to ever get angry with their child. 

Most children growing up in the Early Church listened to their parents when they got older. A parent is not to issue legalistic commands to their children. Instead, parents asked things of their children, with children then trusting in parents enough to listen to them. This trust was built during the first 6 years of childhood. Those first 6 years formed a bond that would last a lifetime, with this bond allowing children to trust in their parents enough to listen to them. This secure bond is denoted by the Greek root word υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo). See Col. 3:20 and Eph. 6:1. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss, which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!