Honoring parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel entitled to respect from their children. Most parents cite the Fifth Commandment as an excuse for punishing children. Many parents punish their children merely for speaking against parents, thus citing the Fifth Commandment. However, the Bible does not prohibit merely speaking against parents. The Bible bans elder neglect.

The Fifth Commandment states in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

The Hebrew word translated "honour" is kabad and refers to a specific way to honor your parents - care for them as they age. The idea is to give them the same tender loving care that you got from them when you were younger. However, if you were abused by your parents as a child, you owe nothing to those parents.

Speaking against parents is commonly mistaken for actual dishonoring of parents, with this perceived "dishonor" from children being a common motive for punishing children. In many homes, speaking against parents alone is a main reason for punishment. However, the Bible prohibits all punitive parenting of children, including when parents feel dishonored. See Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

Punitive measures are not the way to get your child to honor you. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement, with this entitlement including any parent anger directed towards children. The idea is not to spank or punish your child for perceived dishonor from children. However, it is not enough to avoid spanking or punishing unruly children. You need to avoid offense in children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like with relations between adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when bringing them up. Thus, parents should be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever they hurt the feelings of their child, lest it officially be an offense. Usually, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent when children cannot accept a limit not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including when children are "dishonoring" towards you as a parent, you definitely need to give a formal apology, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as losing your cool as a parent alone is entitlement, and even was seen as entitlement in the Early Church.  The main reason why parents use punitive measures with children is that children "dishonor" parents by "speaking against" parents. In some homes, perceived disrespect from children is the number one reason for punitive measures. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

Honoring parents, as a commandment, does not prohibit speaking against parents. Speaking against parents was allowed in the Early Church. What was not allowed, by default, was refusing to care for your aging parents as they age. However, some adult children were abused by their parents, and want nothing to do with them. The bare minimum you have to do to honor your parents today is to find a nursing home for parents. You can speak against them at any time.

I myself am a survivor of law-abiding parents. My parents are apologetic for how they treated me, but I will always remember how they treated me. My parents both punished me with false imprisonment tactics, with my father giving disciplinary spankings done "out of love". The only time that you have to forgive your parents is if they give a meaningful apology for how they treated you. Even then, you can always go back on your forgiveness for your parents if they weren't truly sorry. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!