Child discipline: How to discipline your child without punishment or force

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common goal for parents to have for their children. However, most parents equate discipline with punishment. But, the fact of the matter is that the Bible says that discipline should not hurt. 

God's Law on child discipline is stated in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offense or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement, with this entitlement including any parent anger directed towards children. It is one thing to stop spanking and punishing your child. However, it is not enough to stop spanking or punishing your children. You need to avoid offense in your children. Avoiding offense in children is the same as avoiding offense in other adults. Just like with other adults, hurt feelings are inevitable in children when bringing them up. Thus, in order to avoid offense in children, you should give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. Usually, all that is necessary is to be willing to give a meaningful apology for hurting a child's feelings due to limits not set out of anger, such as "I'm sorry, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". However, if you ever lose your cool with your child as a parent, including while setting a limit, you should definitely give a formal apology for hurting your child's feelings with your anger, such as "I apologize for losing my temper with you", and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as losing your cool with your child alone is entitlement, and was considered entitlement in the Early Church. This stanza of the commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment of children. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

This second stanza spells out what discipline is acceptable, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to a specific form of nurturing, namely of the teaching sort. Children growing up in the Early Church were left to form their own discipline. When children showed discipline in their behavior, they were given lavish praise and encouragement to keep up the good work. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for children to follow, but backed it up with praise and encouragement, not punishment or force. Parents then looked for certain preferred behaviors in children, and when children showed those behaviors, they were praised and encouraged to keep up the good behavior. Children need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is better translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible. Paul here was referring to religious instruction, done a certain way as understood in context. Starting when children turned age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were given praise and encouragement to keep on studying the Bible, with fathers then saying "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in the form of question and answer, with children being curious about Scripture, with fathers being quick to give pointers on the context. This stanza of this commandment ultimately refers to the Judeo-Christian tradition of positive reinforcement, with this Hebraic tradition predating Christ by thousands of years in the Jewish world. Positive reinforcement then involved catching children in the act of being good, and then praising them for their good behavior. Children were never punished for misbehavior in the Bible, and when children did get into mischief, parents usually laughed the whole thing off.

Sometimes, a parent has to set a limit. However, whether children accept that limit is a whole other story. Many times, children cannot accept a limit, which is when a parent should apologize for hurting a child's feelings with a set limit, lest it be officially an offense. Usually, that is all that is necessary to get the child to listen. However, if the child still doesn't listen to set limits, you should do it for them. It can't be that hard to do things for your child. 

Eph. 6:4 is commonly falsely associated with the rod verses in Proverbs. However, King Solomon recommended attachment parenting for minor children, with the rod of correction being a sentence for a crime committed by a young adult. Under Jewish law, it was unlawful to strike a fellow Jew outside of a courtroom setting. The rod of correction ultimately refers to the 40 minus 1 lashes. Nowhere are these punishments mentioned in the New Testament, with Heb. 12:5-6 referring to enduring hardship, with the rod being a metaphor for hardship. Col. 3:21 cross-references the first stanza of Eph. 6:4 clear as a bell, commanding that parents not even offend their child.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!