"Benign" deprivation: Why children need ALL of their needs (not just some of them)

Many parents think that children need some of what they need. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that they children should only get some of what they need, as opposed on all of what they need. This is the doctrine of "benign" deprivation, and it is unbiblical.

The doctrine of "benign" deprivation is a violation of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers here to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This highlighted word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to perform good works for their children, with children resting securely in the good works of parents. Good works here is defined as doing good things for children, namely meeting the child's every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as deacon.

"Benign" deprivation allows for parents to only meet some of the child's needs, thus saving room for children to get what they "really" need. However, Christian parents in the Early Church met the child's EVERY need, not just some of the child's needs. Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at their children before picking them up, and from there, she diagnosed the need before meeting it. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. Whatever the child needed, they got it.

A common way for parents to deprive children of what they need is to say "no" to a child all of the time. Children need to hear the word "no" seldom, meaning almost never. Usually, children growing up in the Early Church got whatever they petitioned for. Under customary law, Christian parents back then were only allowed to say "no" when the petitioned request from parents were unsafe, unworkable, and/or immoral. When children were declined a request, they were given reassurance and an explanation. Even then, parents usually declined petitioned requests using nicer-sounding language, such as "that won't work" or "that can't happen". 

Children have five basic categories of needs; food, water, shelter, transportation, and attachment - with the greatest of these needs being attachment! These were the needs met by parents in children, in the Early Church. Sleep was lumped in with attachment, and that was due to the fact that when children were tired, mothers co-slept next to their children, gelling a bond that would last a lifetime. Christian parents in the Early Church never deprived their children of a need, with benign wants being seen as attachment needs.

My trauma is based off of the concept of "benign" deprivation. As a child, I wanted to move to a cheaper house in a city that I had a special interest in. My parents could have moved, but they instead thought I was simply asking too much of parents. However, children should get whatever they want/need, no matter how big or how small. Another reason for conflict as a child was getting what I wanted in the store. A notable time was when I wanted something at a supermarket, and threw a temper tantrum when I didn't get what I wanted. Maybe such behavior would be bad in adults, but children need a break due to immature brain development. Ultimately, my grandmother could have just given me what I wanted, and not argued back with me as a child. Soon after, my grandfather did the right thing and gave me spending money, which was also the parenting custom of the Early Church. I forgive the adults that abused me, but I don't forget what they did to me. Child entitlement is the one you let go, as it usually won't last long if left go.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke your children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and burning sulfur, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!