Mutual respect: Why respect is earned in parenting

Many parents feel entitled to respect in the context of parenting. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents insist on some level of respect from their children. However, the fact of the matter is that parents need to earn the respect they want from their children.

The concept of mutual respect is a part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission, with the burden of proof falling squarely onto parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was a concept in biblical times. However, this respect came in the form of closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever mom went, so did her child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held by mothers, either in her loving arms, or else on mom's back in a papoose bag when her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged next to mothers, following mom around from room to room, not allowing mom out of their line of sight, morbidly fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at their children, putting children at ease before picking them up, and then from there, she diagnosed the need and then met it. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. When children under age 6 were out and about with mothers, mom wrapped them up in swaddling blankets, with the swaddling blankets - and the child with them - being tucked underneath the loose-fitting, revealing dress that resembled an apron. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to their parents in skin-on-skin format, with this co-sleeping happening every night, until the onset of puberty, which is when children wanted their own place to sleep. Children went naked wherever they went, with mothers also going naked within the confines of the family home. This birth nudity helped facilitate skin-on-skin contact, with these rays of skin-on-skin warmth happening even when children were being picked up.

Respect for parents might happen in an attachment parenting home in a way you might be surprised by. Most children who have a secure attachment with parents cry and tantrum a lot for the first 6 years. After age 6, children were in constant closeness to mothers, in a cooperative way. Most attachment parented children are compliant in an affectionate way after age 6. The first 6 years are the most challenging, and then the rest is easy from there. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!