Passing down the faith: How to encourage Christian family values in children (without punishment or force)

Many parents want their children to have values. Most parents these days want their children to have values, even if those values aren't shared. However, most parents seek to punish their children in order to "break their will".

Passing down the faith is a part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-49, 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of offensive touch or speech stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to gently melding the countenance of children. In light of the commandment to not offend a child (see also Eph. 6:4, stanza 1), this melding of a countenance could only mean one thing - lavish praise and encouragement of a child when caught in the act of good behavior. Whenever children were caught in the act of good behavior, they were given lavish praise and encouragement such as "keep headed down the straight path". Children ultimately learned good behavior from the Christian example of parents. However, the good example of parents was backed up by praise and encouragement, as opposed to punishment or force. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to self-directed religious instruction. This religious instruction started out with fathers leaving out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were given lavish praise and encouragement with statements such as "that book is good for you". From there, religious instruction came in the question and answer format. Children were eager to learn the facts of life, with fathers being quick to give pointers on the context. This religious instruction, as well as all praise and encouragement, is what centered the countenance of children. 

Children are born with a need for religion. Religion is a deep seated need for both children and adults alike. Religious development starts at age 6 in most cases, with children starting their religious journey by picking up a Bible and devouring the text. Children's religious beliefs start out simplistic and non-conforming to any religious denomination or sect. However, as children get older, they start to conform to a specific religious denomination or sect. It may not be your choice in terms of beliefs, but at least they have values.

What motivates a child to hear out the instruction of their fathers? Why not start out with a secure attachment with mothers? For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness next to mothers, meaning that wherever mom went, so did her children. For the latter half of childhood, children played freely, venturing farther and farther from home, exploring the terrain, playing high-risk games such as "marriage". Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with this skin-on-skin warmth happening every night, until the onset of puberty, which is when most children want their own place to sleep. When everyone is in the family bed, that opens up for children to follow the Christian example of parents, as opposed to following the example of the latest pop star, actor, or actress.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!