Honor thy parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel entitled to being honored. The most common belief amongst American parents is the belief that parents deserve honor no matter what. However, the fact of the matter is that respect and honor for parents is earned, apart from narrow exceptions to that rule. Parents do have rights, but their rights are limited.

The Fifth Commandment says in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

The commandment to honor parents basically means don't dishonor parents, as specified elsewhere in the Law. That means simply don't strike or physically attack your parents (see also Exod. 21:15), don't curse your parents with airborne gaslighting (see also Lev. 20:9), and don't blame parents for moral crimes that you commit (see also Deut. 21:18-21). Apart from that, parents are to earn the honor that is bestowed upon them.

The best way to understand the commandment to honor parents in childhood is the commandment not to strike out at parents. You can use your parents for pretty much anything you want them to do for you, as parents are your hired servants. But, you can't get your way with parents by striking out at them. When your child does strike out at you, cry out loud in the form of righteous wailing. You may find that your child is not out to take advantage of you, but simply has a vulnerable need that needs being met. But, parents should not encourage children striking out at them. 

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children just as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as the moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was a thing in biblical times, but that respect came in the form of closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever mothers went, so did the child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held by mothers, either in her loving arms, or on mom's back when her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged next to mothers, following mom from room to room, not allowing mom out of their line of sight, morbidly fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at their children before picking them up, then from there, mom diagnosed the need in the child, and then met that need. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. When children under age 6 were out and about with mothers, they were wrapped up next to mom's bosom in swaddling blankets, with the swaddling blankets - and the child with them - being tucked underneath the loose-fitting, revealing dress worn by mothers. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with this skin-on-skin co-sleeping closeness happening every night, until the onset of puberty, which was when children in most cases wanted their own place to sleep. Children in biblical times went naked wherever they went, with mothers also going naked within the confines of the family home. This birth nudity setup facilitated easy skin-on-skin sustaining warmth, with children getting skin-on-skin warmth every time they were picked up by their mothers, with friction happening between the skin of both mother and child. 

It is a myth that the commandment to honor parents means blind obedience to parents. In fact, parents in biblical times heeled to the commands of their child. This means that parents followed the orders of minor children in almost all cases, except when children's orders were completely unworkable and/or immoral. Even then, most parents sought to find compromise with their children as opposed to saying "no" completely, and there usually was room to compromise. 

Honoring parents merely means supporting and caring for aging parents. In biblical times, aging parents were cared for by their children. Even then, parents had to earn the care and protection of their children, as the Bible does allow for children to disown their entitled and abusive parents. Abusive parents have to earn their forgiveness by making amends with the children they harmed.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!