Righteous respect: Why respect is earned in parenting

Many parents feel entitled to respect from their children. This is a common belief amongst American parents. Most American parents feel that their children should respect them and fear them. However, the fact of the matter is that respect is earned in life - even in parenting. 

The doctrine of mutual submission is how you understand respect in parenting, with the burden of proof being on the parent. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parents and children in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined as under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Respect for parents was very real in biblical times. But, respect came in the form of closeness to parents, not fear of parents. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held by mothers, either in her loving arms, or on mom's back in a papoose bag when her hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children ranged next to mothers, following her from room to room, not allowing mom out of their sight, morbidly fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed before picking the child up, and from there, diagnosed the need. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. When out and about in public, mothers wrapped up their children, who were under age 6, next to her bosom in swaddling blankets, with the swaddling blankets - and the child with them - tucked underneath the loose-fitting, revealing dress that resembled an apron. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, with this co-sleeping closeness lasting until puberty, when children wanted their own place to sleep. Children went naked wherever they went, with mothers also going naked inside the confines of the family home, with this birth nudity facilitating easy skin-on-skin sustaining warmth.

Parents are deserving of absolutely nothing from children. Not even respect. Not even forgiveness. Not even affection. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The every respect from a child is to be earned, not handed out on a silver platter. You can earn your respect from your child by submitting to their every vulnerable need, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!