Strictness in Christian homes: How to encourage strict attitudes in children (without punishment or force)

Many parents believe in strictness. However, most parents believe strictness comes from parents being strict on children. Most American parents believe that punishment is the only way to teach strict attitudes in children. However, actual strictness comes from a good example. Children develop self-discipline on their own, when guided by a good example. But it is good to praise and encourage good behavior in order to hasten the speed of developing discipline.

Encouraging discipline in children is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians in the parish at Ephesus of bringing their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women in the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children in his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers got out the scourge of cords in order to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were persecuted largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, to modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of parents. Children in biblical times were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever children were caught showing good traits - such as taking turns, being patient, and showing self-control - they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise from fathers when caught being good, whereas girls were given a side embrace from fathers when caught being good. Children, alongside a good role model, need religious instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to religious instruction. When children turned age 6, fathers left out an Aramaic copy of the Hebrew Bible for children to find and explore, and when children were caught reading the Bible, they were lavishly praised and encouraged, with fathers saying things along the lines of "that book is good for you". From there, religious discussion in the family home came in question and answer format. Children were eager to learn the facts of life, with fathers giving pointers on the context.

Children have their own religious development. Most children start developing religion at around age 6. In the beginning of religious development, children's religious beliefs are simplistic, not conforming to any religious denomination. However, as they get older, their religious beliefs become more complex, with children then conforming to a religious denomination of their choice. Along the way, it is good to praise and encourage religious development in children. They may land at another denomination than what you would choose, but at least they have values to live by.

Strictness is not something that should be beaten into a child. Children develop strict attitudes on their own, if given a strict example. That means parents should be strict with themselves, and when they see their children show the same strict attitudes as their parents, they should be lavishly praised and encouraged. A strict example is an undeserving attitude. Children will pick up your undeserving attitude, and then, from there, they should be praised and encouraged lavishly. Children enjoy praise and accolades from parents.

What motivates children to listen to the example of parents? Children need a secure attachment, primarily with their mother, and secondarily with their father. For the first 6 years of childhood, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. For the first 2 years of a child's life, children were constantly held, either in mother's arms, or else in a papoose bag on mother's back when mom's hands were full. When children were aged 2-6, they ranged next to mothers, following her all around the house, crying when she as much as went into the other room, with children fearing that mom would "go away and never come back". Whenever children cried, mothers cooed at their children before picking them up, cradling the child in her arms. When mothers of children were out and about in public, mothers swaddled their children - under age 6 - to her bosom in swaddling blankets. 

The abovementioned initial warmth led to children following in the footsteps of parents, with their religious education usually starting around age 6. Fathers are a secondary attachment figure in a child's life. First, they bond closely with mothers. Then they, from there, bond from a distance with their fathers, having a blast while learning the facts of life with dad. However children get along with mothers is how they get along with fathers, with one attachment leading to the other. Secure attachment to fathers is a sexual attachment that is mutually unrequited, usually with daughters but sometimes with sons.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!