Independence: Why healthy independence comes from healthy dependence

Many parents think the goal of parenting is obedience. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. However, most parents would agree that children need to learn to be more independent. However, the only way to healthy independence from parents is healthy dependence to parents.

Healthy dependence is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This word ultimately refers to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to their children as they would to God, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christians who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing their children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few children during his time. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers got out the scourge of cords in order to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were persecuted largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The way to healthy independence is healthy dependence. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. For the first 2 years of childhood, children were constantly held, either in the loving arms of mothers, or in a papoose bag tied to her back when mom's hands were full. Between ages 2-6, children demanded that mothers stay within their line of sight, crying even when mom was simply in the other room. Whenever children cried or pouted, mothers cooed at them before picking them up, then holding them next to their bosom in mammary closeness. When children were out and about with mom, they were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This co-sleeping lasted until the onset of puberty, when children wanted their own place to sleep.

Healthy independence started around age 6, when children started helping out around the house. Starting out of nowhere, children insisted on independence, shaking off their parents, wanting to do things on their own. Children played outside with other children on the church compound, venturing farther and farther from home. However, children had to check in with mothers before playing outside. The final step to independence in biblical times was the child shaking off co-sleeping.

In our modern society, childhood lasts until age 18. Therefore, parents have to wait until later for their children to reach full independence. Full independence is facilitated by teenagers being old enough to drive. A child in an attachment-parenting home is ready before they are ready to get that first car, meaning they could drive, but the secular law won't allow it.

Sometimes, children aren't ready to be independent even at age 18. This is, in most cases, due to a developmental disorder such as autism or ADHD. The executive dysfunction associated with the two disorders involves low inertia, meaning they want to be independent, but lack motivation. The only thing motivating me to find work is my Christian faith, and no work is beneath me. Low inertia is something that an individual with autism or ADHD grows out of on their own, but slowly. Autism and ADHD are progressive disorders, meaning things get better with time. It is not the parent's fault when a child develops slowly. Chances are, the children need extra time with mom in order to mature.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!