Strictness in parenting: Why not to be strict with children (and why they can be strict with themselves)

Many parents value strictness in their parents. Most every parent wants their child to grow up with strict attitudes. However, most parents enforce strictness on their children. The fact of the matter, however, is that the Bible commands another form of strictness, where children learn to be strict with themselves.

Strictness with children is spelled out in the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission. Parents are the enemy of children, just as mankind is the enemy of God, with parent submitting as such. This surrender to parents came with strings attached on the part of parent, with children issuing righteous demands, usually when parents weren't pulling their weight around the house.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with women, but he sure loved children, and took in a few orphaned children. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were hated largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of parents. Children, in biblical times, were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever a child emulated the disciplined example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise from fathers when caught being good, whereas girls were given snuggles and physical affection from fathers when caught being good. Sometimes, children needed more direct instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning parents are only to give advice when needed, or else counsel their children when crying or upset. Children, however, listened to the advice of parents due to a secure attachment. 

Strictness in the family home is important. However, it is a myth that a parent should be strict with their children. Children need to learn how to be strict with themselves, and that takes more patience as well as a disciplined example for children to follow. A strict example is one that takes the attitude of being deserving of nothing due to one's sinful nature. Accepting this reality forces the individual to take a look around them, and be thankful for what they do have, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Children are watching your every move, and when they see you being strict with yourself, they will be strict with themselves, copying your disciplined example to a T. Whenever you catch your child being strict with themselves, be sure to reward them with praise and encouragement. This good behavior naturally comes out in increments, in which case every increment of good behavior should be praised or encouraged.

What ultimately motivates a child to be strict with themselves just like mom and dad? Children need a secure attachment in order to take the instructions of fathers seriously. Secure attachment comes first to mothers, and then to fathers secondarily. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mother and child were in the nude next to each other in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy, quartering the mother in the family home for the needs of children. Whenever children cried, mothers were right there to coo at their children, reassuring and validating them by picking them up and holding them to their bosom in skin-on-skin mammary closeness, perhaps breastfeeding them to sleep when children were milk-hungry. When out and about in public, children were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers in swaddling blankets, in constant skin-on-skin mammary closeness. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers, in skin-on-skin format. This co-sleeping setup lasted until the child reached the onset of puberty, which was when children wanted their own place to sleep.

The close nurturing by mothers in the abovementioned context led to children being ready to take on the facts of life with fathers. Children were introduced to the facts of life by their fathers by way of fathers leaving out a Bible for children to hopefully discover and read. When children were caught reading the Bible, they were lavishly praised with statements such as "that book is good for you". From there, children and fathers had ongoing discussion regarding the religious facts of life, with children eager to learn about the Bible, with fathers giving pointers about the context. 

The Greek root word translated "nurture" in Eph. 6:4 does, in fact, refer to nurturing. However, that nurturing is done by fathers, from afar, in a teaching sort of way. Christian mothers were close and warm with their children, whereas Christian fathers were distant in their nurturing, but taught children the facts of life in a nurturant way. Fathers had a parent attraction to their children, and usually spent it away using masturbation. Once the sexual fantasies were spent away, the father could focus on instructing his children.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!