"Be grateful": How to teach children gratitude (without punishment or shaming)

Many parents want their children to be taught gratitude. Most parents try to teach gratitude by punishing ingratitude. This is a common way that American parents deal with ingratitude in children. The fact of the matter is that children need praise and encouragement for following your example.

Teaching gratitude is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers are to rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This surrender to parents came with strings attached for parents, meaning children could issue righteous demands from their place of rest, usually when parents weren't pulling their weight at home.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may have not gotten along with women, but he sure loved children, and took in orphaned children. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords on their children as punishment, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were hated largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in their footsteps. Children, in biblical times, were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever children were caught emulating the chastened up example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged by fathers to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise from fathers when caught being good, and girls were given snuggles and other physical affection from fathers when caught being good. Sometimes, children needed direct parental instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning that parents could only give advice when needed, or else counsel their children when they were upset. Otherwise, the children called the shots, and issued lawfully binding orders from their place of rest.

Instead of saying "be grateful" when your child isn't being grateful, catch times that your child is being grateful, and praise them. Gratitude ultimately comes from the belief that you are deserving of absolutely nothing, due to being a depraved and entitled sinner. Children ultimately learn gratitude from their religious education. Fathers left out a Bible for the children of the house to explore and peruse. When children were caught looking at the Bible, they were praised with parents saying something along the lines of "that book is good for you". Children, from there, discussed casually matters of Scripture, with fathers giving children pointers on the context, and with children being eager to learn the facts of life. That, alongside a grateful example, brought children to the point of gratitude, in most cases by their 13th birthday. Whenever you see your child being grateful, be sure to praise and encourage them to keep showing gratitude.

What motivates children to learn gratitude? Children are motivated to take up the example of parents through a secure attachment with mothers primarily, and fathers secondarily. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, meaning that mother and child were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever a child cried, mothers responded by cooing at the child, before picking up the child and holding the child close to her bosom in skin-on-skin mammary closeness. When out and about, young children under age 6 were swaddled next to the bosom of mothers, in constant skin-on-skin mammary closeness. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers, in skin-on-skin format. Children co-slept next to their mother, in most cases, until the child reached the onset of puberty. 

Gratitude is not something to impose on someone, and is not something to order children around about. Gratitude is a conclusion a believer comes to on their own. They come to that conclusion after coming to know that they are a depraved and entitled sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing. Knowing that you are deserving of absolutely nothing forces you to look around, and then be grateful for everything you have - God could take it all away at a moment's notice. Gratitude is not an effusive reaction to receiving something, but instead is a calm "please" and "thank you". Gratitude is a lesson that children absorb on their own, and not something to force on a child. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!