How to teach a child how to clean their plate (without punishment or force)

Most parents want their children to clean their plate. Most American children's rights advocates will say that telling your child this alone is unhealthy. I don't know about you, but I try to clear my plate whenever I am in a restaurant, meaning eat as much as I can to show my gratitude, because I don't deserve that food. If I were a parent, I would want my child to show their gratitude for their food. But, you don't punish or shame children for their lack of appetite. You encourage good eating habits in children.

Cleaning one's plate is a show of gratitude, and was in Early Christian culture. The Early Christians encouraged this grateful custom using the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul as lifting up the customary law that commands a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, expecting absolutely nothing in return. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings. The Apostle Paul headed the division of deacons responsible for child protection, known in Ancient Greek and Aramaic as "child saviors", and took in a few children collected from their abusive parents.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, with this leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of their parents. Children in biblical times were caught being good, instead of caught being bad. When children were caught emulating the disciplined example of children, they were showered with lavish praise and encouragement. Parents took the time to reward the good deeds of children with praise, which encouraged children to repeat those good deeds - usually showing self-control or gratitude of some sort - in order to please parents. One of the things parents rewarded was when parents cleaned their plate at dinnertime. 

The Christian attitude of gratitude automatically encourages children to clean their plate, without being shamed or punished in order to get them to clean their plate. Children can come to the conviction and knowledge on their own, guided by a disciplined Christian example, that they too are depraved and decadent sinners who are deserving of absolutely nothing. This attitude adjustment, in turn, leads to children being grateful for absolutely everything around them. When you come to the knowledge that you are deserving of absolutely nothing due to your moral defects, you are deprived for a moment of everything you already have, as well as anything you might want, and so you learn to appreciate everything around you. 

With this sense of gratitude comes a drive to show it. You come to know at some level that you don't deserve even the food in front of you, and so you try your best to eat it all. Children can do this mental work as well on themselves, and then be self-motivated to clean their plate. They first have to see this type of people-pleasing in a parent, and then they will seek to be thankful in the same way.

Making children stay at the dinner table all night long until they eat their last morsel is morally wrong, on an objective level, and is child abuse. There is no need for this sort of treatment of children. When children are grateful for the food put in front of them, meaning they know fully that they don't deserve that food, they will eat it all, because they have come to appreciate that food, and appreciate that God could take their food away at any time, like only He can. This doesn't mean that you as the parent take away food, but when you take up the attitude that God could take away your food, so will your child.

What ultimately motivates children to follow the grateful example of a child? Children need a secure attachment with a parent before seeking to follow their example. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. Mother and child were in a state of birth nudity, where mothers and children were in the nude next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. This birth nudity brought out raw separation anxiety, which the mother accommodated by constantly reassuring the child of her presence through skin-on-skin co-snuggling and co-sleeping. This sustaining warmth and closeness lead to children following the grateful example of children, once they came to know it, usually from their fathers. Children first learn to be securely attached to their mothers, and based on their relationship with their mother, they learn to relate to their father from there. Fathers are charged with encouraging discipline and family values in children, and so children must first have a good relationship with their mother.

Don't say to children "no leaving the table until you clear your plate". Instead, wait for them to clear their plate on their own, and then say "I see you cleared your plate!". Chances are, if that is the case, YOU are clearing your plate, and are doing so because YOU know and are convicted of the fact that you are undeserving of even food, and that God can even take your food away, like only He can. Children can follow your example almost perfectly if you hold space for that to happen.

Keep in mind that children don't have the same metabolism as adults, and thus can't eat an adult-sized portion and eat it all. With young children under age 6, cut their meat and vegetables into small bites. Also, know that children won't show gratitude for their food right away, so don't make it an expectation. Make grateful eating a goal in parenting, and work for it yourself in your grateful example as a parent, but never impose grateful eating as an expectation. Children should have a childhood free of any expectations. It is good to have preferences, as we all do, but earn those preferences by doing work on yourself as a parent.

My left-wing parents taught me to "stop when you are full". I still try to clear my plate, and am proud of myself when I do. I don't deserve food. God could take my food away at any time, like only He can. So, I take nothing for granted, as I am deserving of absolutely nothing. I don't take the food in front of me for granted, and thank the Lord in the case that an animal was slaughtered in order to feed me. When you know you are undeserving of something you already have, you tend to value that thing you have that you don't deserve. Food can be one of those things.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!