How to teach discipline and set limits with children in Christian homes (without punishment or force)

Many parents think that in order to set limits with a child, you need to impose discipline on them. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents believe discipline should be something imposed upon children. The fact of the matter is that Christian parents can set limits by modeling discipline to children. There is no reason to push or impose discipline on children.

Limit setting, the biblical way, is done within the parameters of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the wake of parent submission. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating them as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church at Ephesus. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and here, in this context, refers to modeling Christian discipline to children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement, including their entitlement towards their children, and then their children followed suit. Children in biblical times were caught being good, instead of caught being bad, meaning that whenever children were caught emulating the disciplined example of parents - perhaps by showing self-control or giving up something they really wanted - children were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep going down the right path". Sometimes, parents needed to give direct instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to parental instruction. Parents in biblical times could not issue orders, as that right was reserved for the child. Thus, parents pleaded with their children, asking things of them politely, from the bottom of their heart, expecting nothing in return for their request. Children usually listened to parents, due to the secure attachment that all Christian parents in biblical times strove for.

Children will not be convicted of the need to be peaceable and orderly at all times. Most children are unpeaceable and disorderly, and this is due to their sinful nature. Original sin should be a reason to understand children, not a reason to punish them. Original sin is a reason for children to improve themselves, and for parents to cheer on and encourage the good work. Most children, when raised with a secure attachment, will learn to center their entitlement by their teens. All of the impulsive decisions most teenagers make is due to the brain damage caused by punitive parenting. In biblical times, teenagers were considered legal adults, and that is because they were allowed to mature earlier due to a secure attachment with their parents. 

Children will need motivation in order to heed the example of parents, and this comes in the form of a secure attachment between parent and child. Mothers and children, for the first 6 years of the child's life, were in constant closeness with each other. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, where mother and child were in the nude next to each other, with children soaking up skin-on-skin comfort and warmth. Mothers, when out and about, wrapped up their young children in swaddling blankets next to her bosom. Sometime after age 6, children squirmed out of the arms of mothers, and started playing outside (after checking in with mom), venturing farther and farther from home, but then retreating to the sustaining warmth of mothers in the form of skin-on-skin co-sleeping. Co-sleeping ended when the child hit puberty, and wanted their own place to sleep. This type of warmth conditioned children to heed the example of both parents, with children learning to heed the example of fathers by heeding the example of mothers.

Children do need limits. However, these limits that children need can easily be modeled to them. Most limits that children need to learn in life can be modeled to them in an exemplary fashion, and doesn't need to be directly taught. When you declare yourself a depraved and entitled sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing, children will learn to take up the same attitude, and will do the same work on themselves that you do on yourself. Children are very insightful in this regard.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!