Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set proper limits (without spanking or punishment)

Many parents think that children need to be disciplined in order to set limits. This is a common belief amongst American parents. Most parents in America think discipline comes from discipline imposed on children, meaning punishment. The fact of the matter, however, is that true discipline is not imposed on children, but modeled to them for them to follow.

Teaching discipline to children occurs within the context of the Christian teaching of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children just as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his writings.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to, in this context, modeling Christian discipline to children. The standard of Christian discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. In the 1st Century, Christian parents worked on centering their entitlement, and their children followed in their footsteps. When children started to emulate the disciplined example of parents, they were lavishly praised and encouraged to "keep going down the right path". Children were caught being good, and were rewarded with lavish praise and encouragement every time they acted in a disciplined way. Sometimes, children needed direct instructions from parents. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to direct parental instruction. Parents could not issue lawful orders to minor children, with children being the individuals with authority in parent-child  relationships. Instead, parents requested things from their children from the bottom of their heart, saying "please" and "thank you" in the process, hoping children would listen to them based on a secure attachment. All Christian parents in the 1st Century strived for a secure attachment with their children.

Children are not going to be disciplined right away, but they will at some point. Usually, in the Early Church, children under age 6 were not disciplined, and often cried. Tantrums were averted by the fact that children were swaddled next to, or in back of, mothers. Children were very immature before age 6. After age 6, children held their emotions together when playing outside, keeping their discipline when venturing away from home. But, when children came home from playing outside all day, they reverted to immature behavior around their mother, usually in the form of skin-on-skin co-sleeping. 

Child nudity was an important part of Christian attachment parenting in the Early Church. Mothers and children were naked in the family home, with children being naked wherever they went. This context can be applied today by mothers being naked with their children in the family home. This leads to stronger attachment with adults on the part of children, and more ease in mothers engaging in skin-on-skin bonding with children.

Keeping a secure attachment with your child makes them want to be like you, because they like you, and want to follow in your footsteps. This means YOU as a parent need to work on your discipline issues, and work to center your entitlement. Children are watching your every move. When children see you work on your entitlement issues, they work on their own entitlement issues. When you punish your child, you impose your entitlement onto your child, and then children learn to be entitled - like a vicious cycle. 

Setting limits with children rarely requires direct instruction. Most of the time, all children need to know the limits is a disciplined example from a parent, coupled with a secure attachment. In biblical times, parents did not directly instruct children much in what was expected. Instead, parents worked on their entitlement and did what was expected of them, and then children followed suit.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!