Oppositional-Defiant Disorder: Why children with ODD need less limits (not more)

Many parents think that Oppositional-Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a manufactured disorder, stemming from "an epidemic of permissiveness". This is a common stance amongst many parents, and even professionals dealing in children's mental health. Most people link ODD to a permissive home where children don't know the limits. The fact of the matter, however, is that ODD is a mental health disorder in children that is usually secondary to another mental health disorder in a child, namely autism, ADHD, and/or bipolar disorder, where the child is on hightened alarm against any outside control from adults. A child with ODD needs a non-controlling environment in order to thrive. 

Children with ODD need to be allowed to rest. Secure and safe rest in parents is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission between parents and children. Parents are to be submissive to children, just as mankind is to be submissive to God, with parents being the enemy of them/Him. In return, children rest securely in the love and submission of parents. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers rest securely in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children as they would to God, expecting absolutely nothing in return, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Parents are to submit to their children as their enemy, from beneath yet from above, revering and fearing children as vulnerable extensions of God. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offenses perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statue prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for doing the wrong thing, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up this legal context in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, snd opposed any and all punishment of a child.

Children, in biblical times, wore absolutely no clothing, at all, until they became adults. Women only wore clothing outside of the home, and otherwise went in the nude, in order to serve both their husbands and their children, separately. Mothers served their children by way of nourishment and sustenance, namely using attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding or skin-on-skin closeness. In Ancient Jewish culture, there existed "stand-beside-me" children, where children who were too high-energy to cling to mother simply stayed by her side, with the only limit being that they could not leave her side. They could hit, kick, or bite mothers when frustrated, or else swear and curse at their mothers when angry with their parents. They had so much energy at such a young age that they could not be held to the bosom of mothers for constant comfort like other young children.

It is a myth that children with ODD need more limits. A child with ODD isn't simply a child who doesn't know the boundaries, or wasn't taught the boundaries. A child with ODD is a child with control issues, meaning they want control over the circumstances of their lives. They want things to go their way. Children with ODD have a strong counterwill, meaning if you try to control them, they will control back in any way they can and see fit. This leads to power struggles between parent and child. That is why you do not control a child with ODD at all.

The proper formula for dealing with children with ODD is give up the fight, then give in to to the demands of the child. The idea is to submit to your child fully and dutifully, meaning give up and give in to their demands. Cloistered environments where parents are constantly scheduling events and setting limits are not the best environments for a child with ODD. They just need time to be themselves. This means parents should allow children to issue orders and edicts on them.

Usually, children with ODD need discipline and strictness, but that must come in the form of children being strict with themselves, NOT adults being strict with children. When you are strict with a child, they learn to think for you when controlling themselves, and when you aren't around, their source of self-control is gone. Children must learn how to chasten themselves up and control themselves, and that starts with parents modeling that godly discipline for children. As a parent, you should declare yourself a depraved and decadent sinner who is deserving of absolutely nothing, and this will surely chasten you up. When your child sees you doing this, they will do it too, as long as there is a secure attachment between parent and child. 

The abovementioned secure attachment starts with closeness and intimacy in skin-on-skin closeness in early childhood, as well as breastfeeding for milk-dependent children. This secure attachment, with a child with ODD, might need to be more distant in terms of contact compared to closeness with other children. Perhaps simply be there for them to share their feelings, and never punish them for their feelings, so that they can trust you with their feelings later. When you show self-control to them when they are lashing out at you, you are teaching them self-control. When they hit you or are physically aggressive, cry and exclaim how they hurt you. That usually stops children in their tracks, and then that is the last time they hit you.

I myself was a child with oppositional-defiant traits. My oppositional defiant traits went away with medication, which is often the case, but I had to recover for the lost growth by being very strict with myself, and that's where the Holy Spirit naturally guided me. But, it was a non-controlling environment that nurtured this newly formed discipline and self-control. You control a child, and they learn to rely on others for control. A child has to learn to control THEMSELVES, using their own resolve to find discipline and self-control. This usually requires children to follow the lead of a role model, namely their parents, who they should have a secure attachment to. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!