Independence: Why the Bible prescribes independence as the main goal in parenting (not obedience)

Many parents seem to have a different goal for their children than God does. Most parents in America want an obedient child, meaning a child that obeys authority. Most American parents want their children to obey authority, even above learn good independence skills. This is not how our forefathers in the biblical context raised their children. Self-reliance was prized as a trait in children in biblical times. The way to raise an independent child is not forcing them into independent rules before they are ready, but instead healthy dependence on parents.

Teaching self-reliance and independence are part of the doctrine of mutual submission, meaning children need to surrender into the loving arms of parents, while parents are submissive to the every vulnerable need of children. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Children are to rest securely in the sacrifice of parents, just as parent believers are to rest in the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents are to be extensions of Christ in the family home, dutifully and selflessly submitting to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return, valuing children as extensions of God, with children resting safely and securely in the submission of parents. Children are to rest safely and securely in the presence of parents, trusting parents in all things, following mothers around especially like goslings to a mother goose.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishments or controlling demeanor. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up this legal context in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child.

Independence was the goal among parents in Ancient Jewish culture, including the Early Church. Children were not forced to obey their parents, contrary to popular belief. Parents encouraged independence and self-reliance in children starting with healthy dependence. Heathy dependence involves both nourishment and sustenance. It is offering sustaining warmth and breastfeeding nourishment until the child pushes it all away.

Children, in biblical times, wore absolutely no clothing, at all, until they became adults. Women only wore clothing outside the home, and otherwise went in the nude, in order to serve both their husbands and their children, separately. Mothers served their children by way of providing for them nourishment and sustenance, namely attachment parenting items such as breastfeeding and co-mingling. Up until age 6, children were wrapped up next to the bosom of their mothers in swaddling clothing. When children wanted to be more mobile, they were allowed to be, but were also allowed to run back to mothers when they needed comfort and sustenance. By night, children slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format, and did so until they shook off the comfort of their mothers, insisting that they sleep in their own area of the house. In biblical society, a child shaking off co-sleeping was seen as the first sign of independence in a child. Sleeping in one's own bed is what was seen then as a bold feat of independence, and was lavishly encouraged by fathers. 

The intense closeness to parents is what prepared children for independence, because ALL of their attachment needs were then met, leading to children to come to a place of maturity earlier. Children have five basic needs; food, water, shelter, transportation, and attachment - and the greatest of these needs is attachment! The idea is to keep children in a state of closeness and sustaining warmth for as much as possible, until the child naturally shakes you off and insists on doing things on their own. 

Boldness and rebelliousness were prized traits in biblical children. This boldness and rebelliousness in children is what brought parents to full and dutiful submission to parents. Fathers noticed the boldness in young boys and girls, and encouraged such bold attitudes in both. Bold feats of independence were what were lavishly praised in children, and fathers surely showered children with lavish praise when they insisted on doing things on their own. Defiant traits such as demanding one's own way was also seen as a sign of independence, in an endearing way, and parents made room for defiance in children.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!