Parent anger towards children: Why never to get angry at your child (and how to correct parent anger)

Many parents think that they have a right to be angry with their child. This is a common belief amongst American parents. The vast majority of American parents get angry with their children, and most all of them defend it as a "right". However, the fact of the matter is that anger should not be driving that bus as a parent. Instead, focus on what worries or concerns you regarding your child.

It says in Matthew 5:21-22 KJV:

Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

Anger, by default, is a prohibited emotion when expressed. "Without a cause" means that there are certain causes for anger involving church discipline, meaning righteous judgment between Christians. Children are not part of the Christian Church yet, and so they cannot lawfully be judged. Children are sacrosanct, and will be until their baptism as an adult. Anger has no place in parenting. The Early Christians, as well as their Jewish predecessors, shunned all parent anger, deeming it parental entitlement of the deadly form.

What drove the pacifism of Early Christian parents that kept them from getting angry with their children? Christian parents in the 1st Century truly Loved their children, and actual Christian love does not come from a place of pride or desire, but from a place of conviction, where parents and other adults came to the knowledge that they are depraved and decadent sinners deserving of absolutely nothing from children or anyone else. Christian parents in the 1st Century were convicted of their depraved and decadent sin nature to the very core, expecting absolutely nothing from children or anyone else. When you regard yourself as a sinner instead of a good person as a parent, you expect nothing from your children, and instead simply have preferences to share with them every once and a while.

How does one detoxify themselves from parent anger? How do you purge yourself of that anger that gets in between you and your child? First, find fault in yourself instead of others. Mankind is in sad shape, being cursed with a depraved and decadent sin nature. Surely, you can find something wrong with yourself and/or your parenting, right? No parent is perfect, but at the same time, parents must strive for perfection in the course of their duties as parents. When you are completely convicted of your depraved and decadent sin nature as the parent/adult that you are, you start to focus on the needs of other people, especially your child. Now, when that child starts crying and whining, will you get angry knowing you are deserving of such heat from your child? A parent who is compliant to the needs of their children does not take a child's big emotions personally, seeing children as harmless and vulnerable, meaning they can do no wrong even when they do.

Setting limits is still possible without anger. You then will just become worried and anxious about your child's welfare, and set a limit based on that. The key to setting limits is to give instructions and not back it up with anything. When children don't listen to instruction from parents, they usually simply didn't understand the instructions given, and won't until they are old enough, and their brains developed enough to understand what parents want from them. Until then, leave the matter go and keep the child safe, using both logical and natural consequences as necessary and safe to reinforce limits. Picking up and/or moving the child away from an unsafe situation is a valid logical consequence, as long as no punishment is used to "back up" the consequences. Moving that 2-year-old away from the street may take more time, but punishment carries risk of very serious and life-altering trauma. All of this can be motivated by righteous anxiety, or worry about the welfare of your child, and fear is a far better motivator than anger.  

Parental entitlement is dealt with explicitly in the Bible, and is dealt with in offense format. See Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including any punishment or controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children too many times. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with kidnapping being defined under the Law as the slightest of damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen then as holding your child hostage merely for things they did wrong. Paul was lifting up this legal context to a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child. Paul, here, was lifting up the Law in order to educate Greek and Roman parent newcomers to the Christian Church on the proper Jewish parenting traditions that the Early Church had adopted, with the Early Church then being considered a sect of Judaism.

The Greek root word denoting entitlement in the New Testament, including parental entitlement, and cross-referencing the Tenth Commandment, is πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés) and refers to, officially speaking, wanting things from children, to the point of imposition. Unofficially speaking, the word refers to wanting anything from children, period. It is not good to want anything in life, including from children. But, since we all want things from children as depraved and decadent adults, it is good to ask politely and appropriately from children as to what we want from them. We as adults are depraved and decadent sinners deserving of absolutely nothing from children or anyone else, and are not to impose wants onto children. Want is at the core of our sin nature, and wants from children are at the core of our wants in general. As an adult, I am not to want anything from a child, because I am not a good adult for a child to know. No adult truly means well around children, as we all have a depraved and decadent sin nature deserving of absolutely nothing but DEATH and PUNISHMENT merely for existing in relation to God and the Children He protects. When I know that I am deserving of nothing from a child, I find it hard to get mad at a child. Children are harmless little people who won't hurt me one bit. How could they? They are children, after all!

High self-esteem is not the answer to purging parent anger from yourself as a parent. No self-esteem is the answer. When you feel good about yourself, you think you are a good person. When you feel that you are a good person, you expect things to go your way, and demand things from others. When you internalize just how evil your nature is, you don't take anything personally, because you don't deserve any kindness or respect from anyone. Yet, everyone keeps piling it on, and then you are appreciative of every little thing someone does for you, not even expecting people to be kind and generous to you. Best of all, you become grateful for all the self-improvements you've made, seeing the new you shine on through, and the more you work to improve, the more worth you attribute to yourself. Children are never a bother with this mindset, because you don't deserve to have a well-behaved child, and so you don't expect it.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be forever cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and burning sulfur, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!