Independence: Why this was the goal of biblical parents (not obedience)

Many parents believe that the goal of parenting is to get children to obey, and this goal is achieved through punishment and controlling demeanor, as well as other forms of punitive parenting. The fact of the matter is that, in the Bible, the goal of parents was independence. Independence was achieved through a secure parent-child bond, where children were given their every vulnerable need, and allowed to shake parents off whenever they felt ready.

The centerpiece of an attached Christian parenting relationship is Christian Agape love for children, which is denoted in the New Testament by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao), which refers to prioritizing children first, and yourself as a parent last, in a fearful and convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every vulnerable need, expecting absolutely nothing in return from children or others, with children resting in the good works of parents, not having a worry in the world. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. This rest usually meant rest in the bosom of mothers, and/or in the embrace of mothers. Mothers in particular, in biblical times, provided nourishment and sustenance to children, namely breastmilk and skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy respectively. Children up until age 6 never left the side of parents. The Ancient Jews, including the Early Christians, used a special type of attachment parenting that deified children, with children being worshipped and venerated as extensions of God on earth. Parents served children with the same respect and love that they would God, for children were the "least of these", and thus, whatever they needed, God needed of parents as well. Children were likened to God by parents, and the every demand of children was seen as a sign of God, meaning a lawful and binding order. Attachment parenting of the deifying sort was mandated under customary law in the Old Testament, and also mandated by way of church ordinance in the Early Church. This commandment lifts up those attachment parenting customs for timeless relevance.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, namely child abuse in this context. Child abuse, as defined under biblical law, at minimum, is the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul to prohibit all forms of punitive parenting, including punishment or controlling demeanor. Paul was lifting up the Law for Greek Christian parents that were misusing the book of Proverbs to justify their pagan custom of spanking children that they brought into the church Spanking and punishment does not come from the Bible, but instead from the Roman Catholic Church pandering to the parenting biases of European pagan cultures who beat and whipped their children as punishment. The rod verses - all seven of them - are repealed verses, as they only apply to the context of the time. The rod verses do not refer to spanking, nor do they refer to raising children. They refer to a form of judicial corporal punishment where the father was court-appointed to issue 40 minus 1 lashes to his ADULT son for committing a capital offense, warning the errant son that he would be put to death on the spot, beyond that point, for his misdeeds. MINOR children, under the Law and under Christian law, could not be charged with a crime, as children were seen as learning the Law, and were not subject to it.

Children went naked wherever they went, and women went naked in the family home in order to serve their husband and their children, separately. Mothers served their children by way of nourishment and sustenance, namely breastmilk and skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy respectively. By day, children ranged by mothers, occasionally also clinging to her. By night, they slept next to parents, in co-sleeping fashion, with children soaking up the rays that is skin-to-skin closeness.

Children under age 6 never left the side of mothers, being swaddled next to her with swaddling clothing, or else being held close to her with a papoose bag. Children, at varying ages, decided to sleep on their own, and this was the first step to proving independence. Come age 13, children in Christian homes shook off the closeness and affection of their children completely, and aimed to prove their independence to their parents. Young men left the house in order to prove their independence some time in their early adulthood years (some young men stayed with their parents for a little while). Young women could also be independent if they wanted to, but they had to remain unmarried. Most young women that had a career worked as a deacon or an elder in the church.

The goal of parents in biblical times was not obedience, but instead independence. In order for a child to be fully independent, at the earliest age possible, they need a home base, and that home base is their parents, namely the sustenance of mothers. This home base gives children a break from being independent. As children grow older, they will naturally need parents less and less, on their own accord. Some children may not be motivated readily to be independent, such as more seriously affected children with autism - an autistic child usually wants to assert their independence starting at age 16, going into early adulthood. The first step to independence in a child is sleeping in their own bed, which they will do on their own accord, when they are ready to shake off the closeness between mother and child. The final act of independence in the Early Church was choosing to get baptized, which was a way of proving to the church community that you now know the Law, and submit to it. 

Children weren't expected to obey parents blindly, but instead parents earned the cooperation of their children. A good biblical parent could have their child fully taking after their example and cooperating with them just by giving proper nourishment and sustenance to their child. Children were not seen as attached to a parent, but a separate individual in the care of a parent. Children were valued for their individuality, and independent children were especially valued. Children, until the age of majority, were closely supervised by parents, but children, in other ways, were left to be themselves and play freely, with adults rarely intervening. Children were merely encouraged to do things on their own, with fathers being the distant encouragers, and mothers being the close nurturers. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!