How to toughen up children - without punishment or controlling demeanor

Anti-spanking parenting, known better as attachment parenting, is stereotyped for "softening up" and "sissifying" children. I am anti-spanking, but I am no sissy. I only melt when children are around (I coo when a baby is around, for example). I, otherwise, am a stand up, resilient, tough man with a legal personality, and I credit my conservative Christian family values for my resilience. Children can become just as tough as I am. But, most people don't know that children need to become tough and resilient on their own accord, with adults encouraging their vocation. Punishment doesn't toughen them up - it weakens them.

The Greek root word denoting entitlement in the New Testament, and cross-references the Tenth Commandment, is πλεονέκτης (Latin: pleonektés) and refers to, officially speaking, want from others, to the point of imposition. Unofficially, it refers to any want that cannot be attained. Whenever you throw a temper tantrum because you can't get what you want, you are entitled. So, when you want something, would you throw a temper tantrum, meaning get sorely disappointed, if you were told "no"? If so, don't even ask, and go without what you want, until you can learn to accept the word "no". A child is not ready to readily accept the word "no", so we have to model that attitude to them. Children are watching our every move as adults, so it is best that we work on our entitlement issues, and impart a good, non-entitled example for children. That means, also, treating children with the same non-entitlement that you treat adults with, as parents should fight against parental entitlement, which is, officially speaking, wanting anything from or of children, to the point of imposition, or unofficially, and want from a child. Ask, and you shall receive from a child, if they are developmentally ready. Demand, and you get nothing but resentment.

On the other hand, the Greek root word denoting discipline in the Bible is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to a specific standard of Christian discipline that starts with an admission of a depraved and entitled sin nature in a parent, leading to an attitude of feeling entitled to nothing, and grateful for everything, with all this, in turn, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow in parents. One should not expect them to follow it right away, as children are immature and impulsive, and should be expected to be more demanding and less disciplined due to this immaturity. But, once they are young adults, they should be able to recite the example of parents without any hassle. But, example alone doesn't mean much.

A good example needs to be backed up by something. Punishment does not make a child want to follow the good example of Christian parents, but instead drives them far from the way they should go. The centerpiece of an attached Christian parenting relationship is Christian Agape love for children, as denoted by the Greek root word αγαπαο (Latin: agapao), and refers to prioritizing children first, and yourself as the parent last, in a fearful and convicted way leading to dutiful and selfless submission to children and their every need, expecting absolutely nothing from children or others, with children resting safely and securely in the good works of parents, not having a worry in the world. See Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: as this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents. Ultimately, this commandment refers to a secure parent-child bond, and namely to policing attachment. Children in biblical times were allowed to police their parents for what they wanted/needed from parents. Children demanded, and parents worked to meet the demands of their child. Attachment parenting was the established norm in Ancient Jewish culture, including Early Christian culture. Attachment parenting was commanded of Christian parents under the church ordinance of the Early Church.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to damages or abuse, especially child abuse. Child abuse, as defined under biblical law, at minimum, is the slightest of personal offense perceived by the child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by the child, coming from entitlement. This commandment was understood, in its original context, as prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including all punishment and controlling demeanor towards children. The Apostle Paul here was rebuking Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking children, as a few Greek Christians were misusing the book of Proverbs to justify their pagan punishment habits, even then. Spanking and other forms of punishment do not come from the Bible, but instead were pagan rituals of the Ancient Greco-Romans that were absorbed into the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. From there, punitive parenting spread across the globe by way of colonial influence.

Children were treated, in biblical times, with a special type of attachment parenting that deified children, with children being worshipped and venerated as lawful extensions of God, summoning parents to their every vulnerable need using cries and upset as lawful and binding orders. Whatever the child needed was Divine Law. This meant that mothers served children, and gave them nourishment and sustenance, namely breastmilk and skin-to-skin closeness and intimacy respectively. Children went naked all the time, wherever they went, and that brought the levels of attachment down to full equality. Children under age 6 did not leave the side of mothers, with older children being allowed to leave the mother's side, but not the line of sight of parents. Free play was allowed, but only within the supervision of parents. There was much war and violence in ancient times, and mothers especially protected their children in a way that sheltered them from violence, meaning they did not beat fake toughness into children.

This type of attachment-based upbringing was what motivated children to follow the tough, disciplined example of Christian parents. Children started out emotionally labile, crying whenever they needed something, but children wanted to be like parents, and found the stoicism of parents to be cool. So, they tried, then failed, then got back up and tried again, until they ended up following the disciplined example of parents. Christian discipline, in exemplary format, is known as the Living Example of Christ, and is denoted by the Greek root word παιδεία (Latin: paideia) which ultimately refers to Christ's example while on earth, meaning an attitude that is entitled to nothing, and grateful for everything. That is the goal a Christian parents should aim for personally speaking - because children are watching your every mood, and for even more incentive for self-improvement, children usually pick up the bad traits and habits of parents first. If your child swears like a trucker, maybe you do as well, in which case you should curb that foul and obscene mouth. 

Children, however, never want to listen to a parent that is punitive in nature, and punishes and controls children. Punishment alienates children from good, Judeo-Christian values. Attachment parenting brings children closer to those values, when those values are the ones modeled to children. Judeo-Christian values are the founding values of this country, as we are a Christian society with traditionally Christian norms. We just haven't figured out that punitive parenting is not part of our norms. We think, as a society, that it is, when it really isn't. Judeo-Christian values, when fully internalized, makes one as tough as nails. But, when you punish a child, they don't internalize the values, and are more likely to be disobedient behind the pastor's back. This goes especially for young people. Young people in biblical times did not rebel against their parents, but instead shook them off and proved their independence to their parents. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!