Respect for parents: What the Fifth Commandment actually means

Many parents want to be respected, and demand respect from their children. Most parents in the United States want to be respected. The Fifth Commandment is often used as an excuse for forcing this want onto children. The Fifth Commandment to honor parents does apply to adult children of parents of all sorts, and has a sliding scale of application depending on how respectful parents are towards children.

It says in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

This commandment is given to adults, not minor children, meaning this commandment cannot accurately be used to scare children into listening to parents. This was God's first command to adult children of parents that forbade elder abuse. Simply talking back to parents or refusing to listen to parents was not seen as dishonoring them. Offenses against parents were clarified later in the Law, and at the time, included "winding up" parents with a gaslighting curse, physically battering them, or engaging in criminal behavior that led to parents being put to shame, with all of these offenses being temporary and specific to the Israelite culture, and specific to adult children who maligned and abused their parents. In the modern context, the Fifth Commandment means that both 1) Show minimum respect to parents based on how much they respect you and 2) Committing moral or physical crimes reflects on your parents - they modeled any unlawful or rebellious attitudes to their children, now adults and having to function in society.

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things, as is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

Respect for parents is earned. The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, just as adult believers rest and trust in the love and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. This cross-reference of the Fifth Commandment is written aside of minor children, to parents. Replace "obey" with "trust" and you get a roughly more accurate translation, meaning children should ideally trust in parents. This form of trust is maternal and sustaining in nature, meaning attachment parenting. This refers to an open and honest form of trust where children can tell parents anything and everything under the sun, surrendering and showing their true selves to their parents, expecting no punishment or reprisal in return for being themselves. This starts at day one, with children in ancient Israel and adjoining cultures snuggled next to their mothers and were breastfed until age 3, co-sleeping nest to mothers until adulthood. Attachment parenting was intended as building blocks towards respecting parents as adults, meaning parents and adults respected children in order to earn respect for parents.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to provocations to anger imposed by adults onto children, meaning offenses against children, defined under the Law as the slightest of offense perceived by children. This was intended by the inspired pen of the Apostle Paul to ban any form of punishment or other forms of controlling attitudes towards children, and that includes all forms of corporal punishment, regardless. The Apostle Paul here was cracking down on Greek Christians and their idolatrous traditions of spanking children, which was a Greco-Roman custom and not a Jewish. The Apostle Paul delivered this commandment alongside parenting manuals prescribing a form of attachment parenting that was exemplary in nature. 

Parenting was exemplary in nature. The Greek root word denoting Christian discipline is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to a disciplined, non-entitled example. Parents are entitled to nothing from children, and are to be grateful for their children. Children owe parents nothing, and parents owe children everything, with parents expecting absolutely nothing in return for their love and grace for children, not even respect. This attitude chastens up a Christian parent, and makes them disciplined and centered in nature. Parents need to give respect to children in order to get it.

Children do not respect disrespectful, abusive parents. Children respect parents that show them respect. Respect for parents is not learned by punishment or control of children, but by showing the same level of respect and love you would want back from your children, in mutual submission with children. Maternal sustenance and warmth is the best way to a respectful child once they get older.

The depraved and entitled parents will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into Hell and torment for ever and ever, with God's wrath being good and just for children! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!