"Honor thy father and mother": Why blind obedience to parents is not commanded in the Bible

Many parents believe in being listened to and obeyed. They often cite the Bible, namely the Fifth Commandment. which on the surface may say, to an American audience, that parents are to be revered. In reality, the command itself refers to family honor, not the personal honor of parents, and refers to criminal offenses committed by adult children, as they relate to parents.

It says in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honor thy father and mother: that thy days may be long upon the land in which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 

The last part justifies the first part. The story starts with family honor, and Canaanite predecessors of the Judaism would kill children who dishonored them. The Ten Commandments from God, namely the Fifth, implied that the killing of children had to go through the court system, and all of the named criteria in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 had to be proven completely, meaning all counts mentioned, or else the case would be thrown out of court, and the adult child on trial was afforded an attorney. The parents had to testify against their child, and there was a strong stigma against it due to the Hebrew tradition of reverent rebellion, or the little man keeping the bigger man in check. We are talking here a form of elder abuse, not simple "back talk" in children, and most victims of elder abuse were not believed, or else were blamed for their own abuse, as the presumption under customary law was that the parents modeled such behavior through child abuse of some kind, and the violence was interpreted as an act of self-defense or understandable frustration, again assuming the parents somehow brought on their own abuse by modeling it. Parents were stopped red-handed from trying to kill their children, with the Law serving as a way to crack down on child murder, by taking their options away. 

Christ abolished all capital and corporal punishment on the cross, with corporal punishment being connected to capital punishment, with 40 minus 1 stripes with the rod of correction (a tree branch) within the confines of a courtroom warning criminal offenders that they may be put to rest, with the moments after being the last days they may live upon the earth, with all of the witnesses testifying against them being the ones carrying out the execution, against them and anyone who testified on behalf of the executed criminal offender. It was in that narrow context that corporal punishment was allowed, and only after many warnings from family members that one of their own was headed down the wrong path, before turning them into the religious authorities. Fathers merely whipped sons as an accessory to the state, and no child could be charged with a crime. Since a child couldn't be charged with a crime, they were exempt from criminal punishments such as whippings from the rod of correction.

The Fifth Commandment is repeated in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well-pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

"for this is well-pleasing unto the Lord" means adult children of parents must obey parents in the Lord, meaning not listen to them "because I said so" (coming from a parent of the wrong kind) but because it is good and just in the Lord, pleasing the Lord through their parents once accepting Him as Lord and Savior. The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest and trust in the love and grace of parents, coming from sacrifice for children, in the spirit that Christ sacrificed for His children; taking up the cross, in the spirit that Christ took up the cross for His children; martyring oneself in everything in parenting, with children resting in the sacrifice of parents, showing gratitude and thanksgiving for the love and warmth of parents by emulating the sacrificial, Christ-like example of parents. This Greek root word ultimately uplifts the Judeo-Christian parenting traditions, which were attachment-based when understood in context, with child nudity being legal for purposes of skin-to-skin contact in order for mothers to bond with children, and then earn their respect later. Children were given the right of reverent rebellion, which was policing attachment to parents. Policing attachment was the most common form of secure attachment towards parents, meaning the child can demand anything and everything under the sun, resting in the shelter of parents, with parents then giving them what they want directly, or a related need. A policing attachment relationship with a child is where the child demands things from parents without mincing words, perhaps forcefully, in a way that may sound tone-deaf to most American bystanders, but the parent isn't offended easily by it, isn't hurt by their child's harsh words, and simply gives in, and gives up. The policing statement for true biblical parenting is "listen to your child, or else". They do rest in your arms as a child vulnerably, but they are your child, and you are to heed to their every petitioned need and redress of grievances. Attachment of the policing sort occurs when parents give children freedom to be demanding, then cave in a pro-social manner, with children being allowed to advocate needs, particularly when older, in policing mode, and parents aren't picky about how the petitions to them are worded. They just don't want their child to throw a fit when there doesn't need to be any argument at all, so parents don't argue, and let children be the barrister for their own needs, with parents being safe people for their strong assertiveness, giving up the fight as to what petitions for needs are "respectful" or "disrespectful". The parent takes the role of therapist, and takes on the emotional pains and upsets of their children, expecting absolutely nothing in return, asking nothing for a reward. You can get away with that in our modern culture, if your child has autism, but this sort of parenting works quite well with all children. Less demands, less expectations, with the expectations steeped on the father and mother of the child to be good caregivers of children.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and literally translates to "stirring up" upset and resentment in children, referencing the Jewish adage of "stirring the pot" with your child's emotional well-being. This referred to any discipline in parenting that garnered resentment form children, including any punishment, including corporal punishment. Vs. 21 is a direct commandment from God through the Apostle Paul to all Christians everywhere not to use corporal punishment, or any form of punishment or harshness, on children. The Apostle Paul's target audience was Greek Christians, with the surrounding Hellenistic culture in Colossae supporting corporal punishment of children, namely the cat o' nine tails for boys, and spanking on the bare buttocks for girls who were unchaste, with fathers ruling the home under the Roman legal doctrine of patrias potestas. Paul would have none of it in his church, and handed out educational manuals on attachment parenting as the Epistle was being delivered to the church gate, with Paul's Judeo-Christian values supporting male headship, not male authority, meaning a man is simply a breadwinner, not a policeman in his home, and women could be a breadwinner as well then. The Christian form of attachment parenting relied on Christian example, meaning carrying on the giving example of Christ, and also warning children occasionally when children engage in behavior that completely won't fly, usually unsafe behavior, then simply keeping them safe by picking them up as many times as necessary,. without punishment or lashing out at the child, as a logical consequence. Removing small children from a situation is a logical consequence, but is only acceptable if there is some sort of danger. With early sexual behavior, warning might be lecturing children afterwards that private parts are private, supervising after the incident is discovered, all logical consequences. Supervise, but intervene in the lives of children rarely, and be there for them as as a giving extension of Christ, with the charity afforded to children serving as a good example for Christian family values. Example and warning - the two main tools of any Christian parent (Eph. 6:4).

Blind obedience is not a biblical value in relation to parents. In relation to your child's needs? Absolutely! Obedience to parents is rest, being able to give commands to parents, with children listening to parents when they are older as a means of giving back for all the sacrifices you made for them when they were younger, trusting in parents as earned, even being compliant in a tag along way. Policing attachment is the biblical setup of any home, meaning your child is to be allowed to run your life, and your child should be your life, and you should be devoted to that child, beholden to her needs.

The depraved and entitled parents will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them burn in the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Cast away the parent evildoers into the fire of Hell and torment, letting them be tormented for ever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!