Setting limits: How to set limits without punishment in biblical parenting

Most all parents, apart from the most permissive, believe in setting limits with children. The problem is what it is conflated with - punishment. The chastening and admonition of the Lord is often associated with harsh punishment. However, it means something else, something not punitive at all, when the Bible is understood in context.

It says in Ephesians 6:1-4 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, as this is the first commandment with promise; That is may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long upon the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and literally translates to "listen under" to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents, being able to confide into parents about anything, including issues that most people wouldn't understand, owing nothing in relation to parents, but listening nonetheless due to how good and kind your parents are. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to the chastening of the Lord, meaning the parent (not the child) being chastened up by self-discipline and self-control, by way of self-behaviorism, punishing oneself for harming one's child by reminder of consequences, and reward by a pat on the back when one sees progress in themselves as a parent. This controlled and disciplined attitude is to be modeled to children, that allows for a child's existing immature upset to be reassured and validated by the parent, like a sounding board. This word also refers to religious instruction, in which case is taught by way of Socratic reasoning, meaning questions in both directions. 

The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the admonition of the Lord, meaning setting limits and boundaries with a child. This means saying "no" or stating its various variants, meaning perhaps the specific word "no" said all the time is dehumanizing, and something you'd save for a dog. The word "no" should be used rarely, when applying these principles appropriately, and the variants of the word rarely as well, as children cannot be expected to behave on a mature level like adults. So leave a lot go and supervise so that they don't hurt themselves, or perhaps giving older children cell phones as a means of remote supervision when out and about. This is balanced out by the Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργιζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to the offenses, meaning torts and damages under Jewish law, which could include assault and battery in the Old Testament Law. This is summed up in the New Testament as the slightest of personal slights perceived by a child victim

The idea behind having disciplined children isn't to be strict with them, but lovingly encourage them to be strict with themselves. This starts with you being strict with yourself in relation to children, encouraging them and guiding them to follow your example. The example of the level of self-discipline a parent should have is in Hebrews 12:5-8 KJV:

And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh to you as unto children, My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord. For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.

What child was never disciplined? Maybe not properly, when following this text, which is considered a rod verse by many, but in fact does not advocate corporal punishment of children, but mentions judicial corporal punishment under the Law as figurative for accountability, as the rod of correction - a switch applied as 40 minus 1 stripes applied to the back of a convicted capital offender - was seen otherwise as symbolic of the rare but powerful force of the Law, and in this context refers to applying the Law to oneself, guided by God. The Greek root word translated "scourge" is μαστγόω and literally translates to a whipping. However, the Early Church did not have corporal or capital punishment anywhere in their legal framework for adults, and children were exempt from any legal scrutiny, instead expected to be taught the Law. The Greek root word translated "chastening" is παίδεία, meaning the same as in Eph. 6:4, which is co-regulation in relation to children, by regulating one's own emotions in an exemplary teaching manner, while holding space to listen to the emotion of one's child. The chastening of the Lord is modeling and teaching discipline, but was understood then as being done without punishment, and by forming a secure bond and attachment to the father so that the son could trust instruction. Today, this same principle applies to both sexes, meaning children tend to act a lot like their parents, so if you chasten yourself up to be the type to be quiet and disciplined in your emotions, your child will follow suit, albeit not right away. However, you will be surprised when they have better emotional regulation than their peers.

Ancient Hebrew culture was an attachment parenting society, meaning punishment was actually illegal for a child, and was a slight against the child and the co-parent as co-plaintiffs in court. Attachment parenting is very misunderstood, and has more to do with the disciplined attitude of the parent in relation to their child, than any sort of "necessary closeness". Closeness is just what happened with Hebrew parents, with children up to age 3 being regarded and treated as infants. Children remained close to mother until later. Punishment was not a norm of ancient Hebrew society, but their Greco-Roman adversaries, and this infiltrated the Christian church with the Greek and Roman Christian newcomers. The Apostle Paul, in both Eph. 6:4 and Col. 3:21, was warning the Greek fathers especially of the harm of harsh treatment such as punishment towards children. Parenting in ancient Jewish culture was seen as like looking in a mirror, meaning whatever attitudes you espouse to or around your child is how your child behaves, looking straight back at you. That is why the laws against stubborn and rebellious sons under the Old Testament legal system were never carried out - parents would have flagged themselves as abusers just for reporting it, as you weren't executed then just for talking back. It would have to be a long paper trail of documented abusive, self-destructive, and delinquent behaviors, and he would have to be a legal adult at the time. Most parents then just let their child be a prodigal son, and waited for them to come back, praying for their adult son's safety.

I myself am a permissive parent, and so I need to learn how to set limits myself. I just can't say no, in my old self as a past-tense parent, meaning I can't tell them no. I have to be their "yes" man and be dragged along like a ragdoll, and I enjoy it. I have to learn to be more assertive with children, but in order to do that, you have to see them as assertive to you, meaning not appeasing them for them to like you...Gentle, non-violent parenting is NOT permissive. I've been there, meaning I was a permissive parent, so I'd know.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger through punitive limits will BURN! Let them suffer, and let them be tormented in the lake of fire and brimstone, suffering the second death! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.