Many parents have a child who likes to talk back a lot, and maybe pick fights with parents. Many think this is a bad behavior. It can be, but not on the child's part. Defiance is a common child behavior when they feel controlled or cornered. Or, defiance can be seen as a mental illness.
It says in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:
Children, obey your parents in all things, as is well-pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they become discouraged.
The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and literally translates to "listen under". It was secure, vulnerable rest in the love and grace of parents, being able to tell parents anything, or talk to them about anything, fearing no punishment from parents, owing nothing in return to parents, yet being convicted nonetheless to listen to and heed instruction from parents, not out of fear, but out of blind trust stemming from good works from parents, rooted in Christian non-entitlement values. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers to the offenses in the Bible, namely the torts and damages under the Law linked to the Eighth Commandment. In the New Testament, it is summed up as the slightest of personal slights perceived by the child, and could include corporal punishment. One form of personal slight was the slightest of personal touch perceived by the child without consent. Verbal abuse was also banned, meaning the slightest of insult perceived by the child. Ultimately, any punishment of children was entitlement leading to theft, meaning abuse.
This was intended by the Apostle Paul as a warning about strict treatment of children. Defiance was seen then as like a mirror of the parent's attitudes towards the child, in bystander format. From the parent's view, it was seen as your own anger and demons flaming back of you, in a convicting way. Children, particularly one's own, in the Early Christian church, were seen as convicting figures, in a vulnerable way, where adults are struck with reverent fear and terror to provide for the child's every need, including every attachment need. Thus, when a child was defiant, it was seen as the child wasn't getting what he/she needed in terms of attachment needs such as spending time with children, taking walks, and reading Scripture together with children. Attachment needs are shattered by any sort of punishment or harsh treatment, and then cause children to avenge the aggression back to parents. This the first time you have gotten off of the gentle parenting path.
This mirror effect is more obvious in children with certain behavioral disabilities, such as autism, ADHD, or bipolar disorder. Children with autism in particular are mimickers of adult behavior, and have a sense of understandable vengeance where they throw your anger and punishment of them right back at the parent. Children can be vengeful, but the have a right to be, because they are trying to communicate to you something with their vengeance - "I hate how you are treating me". In ancient Hebrew culture, that sort of defiance would have caused a father to freeze, and then to do some soul searching as to why his child just went off on him, and basically shouted a whole bunch of obscenities at him. A good parent then blamed themselves first, then others.
If simply spending time with parents and other methods of building attachment didn't work, then the child needs medication to stymy the aggressive or defiant behaviors. Oppositional defiant disorder is usually linked to a mood disorder, and putting the mood disorder in remission through medication will shut down the ODD as well, making the child not defiant at all, Usually, when put on the right medication, the child takes ownership for past mistakes, and is embarrassed concerning the things they did in the past, or perhaps simply deems them wrong in an open and honest way. Medication should be a last resort by default, but with certain disorders, such as bipolar disorder, the treatment requires medication first, and then, only then, will they be open to advice from a therapist.
The depraved and entitled parents who provoke children to anger will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them BURN in ever-burning fire and brimstone! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!
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