Honor thy parents: Understanding the Fifth Commandment in context

Many parents feel deserving of being honored. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents think that they can demand respect and honor from their children. However, honoring parents refers to something different in the Old Testament - care for your parents as they age.

The Fifth Commandment is stated in Exodus 20:12 KJV:

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

This commandment does not mean that parents have the right to insist on respect or honor. All that the believer has to do is take loving care of their parents, as they age. This however only happens when children have a secure attachment with parents. A believer has the right to shun their parents when parents were abusive in their childhood. The only way a child has the duty to forgive their abusive parents is if they give a genuine apology, with the genuineness of the apology being determined by the child. Even then, it doesn't hurt to remember the abuse you suffered as a child.

Many times, perceived disrespect in parenting is a motive for parents to punish their children. However, the Bible opposes the punitive treatment of children, and commands parents not to even offend their children, lest it be considered child abuse in the eyes of God. See Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement, with this entitlement including any parent anger directed towards a child. Child abuse in the Bible, as a legal concept, consists of entitlement in parents, leading to offense in children. The key to abstain from abusing your child is to avoid offense in children, meaning be willing to apologize meaningfully whenever you hurt your child's feelings. In most cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent coming from parents. However, if you ever lose your cool as a parent, you definitely should give a meaningful apology to your child, and then commit never to lose your cool with your child ever again, as losing your cool with your child at all, in and of itself, is entitlement. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power of parents to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking and other forms of punishment. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. This commandment is a mandate for parents to honor their children, meaning even hurting your child's feelings is officially an offense if defended in open court. If you honor your child, they will grow up to honor you.

It is okay to speak against your parents. If your parents were abusive in any way, they are not deserving of forgiveness. The only exception is if they made a genuine apology. Even then, you can always shun them again if they violate a promise in their apology. The key to look for in a parent is non-verbal apology. My parents turned away from their punitive ways, and so I forgive them without forgetting. Forgiveness is simply acknowledging an apology from an abusive parent.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!