Back talk: Why children talk back to parents (and how to treat the situation)

Many parents think that children talking back is deserving of punishment. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents punish children merely for talking back. However, the fact of the matter is that children are going to talk back, and thus parents should apologize accordingly.

God's Law states in Colossians 3:21 KJV:

Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. It is not enough to stop spanking or punishing children - you need to ideally avoid the slightest of offense perceived by a child. However, offense in children is inevitable in parenting. Offense coming from a child comes as upset in its many forms. Back talk coming from a set limit is a common form of a child perceiving offense from their parents. Most parents elicit a back talk reaction from children when they set a limit that the child cannot accept. In this case, parents are to give a meaningful apology, usually coming in the form of reassurance of good intent, with parents saying things such as "I am sorry for X limit, but I had to set X limit for Y reasons". Sometimes, parents lose their cool, in which case a full apology is in order, such as "I apologize for losing my cool with you". Refusing to apologize in some way to a child that you upset in and of itself is entitlement. This commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", including the power to impose punitive sanctions on children such as spanking or other forms of punishment. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and oppsed any and all punitive treatment of a child in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men. 

Back talk is just one way that children show offense to set limits. However, it is necessary sometimes to give a limit. Most of the time, children do listen to parents when they have a secure attachment with their children. The degree of secure attachment determines how cooperative your child will be towards set limits. However, some children can't handle the word "no" easily, with most all children getting angry at set limits at some point in childhood. 

When a child is offended by your limits, it is good to give a meaningful apology. When your child reacts to you losing your cool, you need to give a full apology such as "I apologize for getting angry with you". Maybe the child won't understand the words that come out of your mouth, but they will most certainly respond well to your reassuring tone of voice.

In the family home, children were allowed to take offense to any sense of entitlement in a parent. However, parents were not allowed to take offense to their child, and only could take offense on behalf of a child in the case of a family and/or church interloper. Christian parents in the Early Church were not allowed to set limits or otherwise react out of anger in parenting. All limits were instead set out of trust, in the context of a secure attachment.

Most children who are cooperative grow up in attachment parenting homes, where secure attachment is the main goal in parenting. Children start by crying out loud for a vulnerable need, with that need usually involving attachment. Most all crying is due to an unmet need that was obvious in children then, but not with children with today's conditioning. Children were only given direct limits in the case of children behaving in an unsafe and/or immoral manner. Parents could say "no", but only in the case of a petitioned request being unsafe, unworkable, and/or immoral. Usually, children listen to you if you form a secure bond with them. 

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and burning sulfur, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!