Back talk: Why children need a secure attachment in order to be cooperative

Many parents think that back talk is bad behavior, meaning worthy of punishment. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents do not allow for their child to talk back. However, the fact of the matter is that children cooperate best when given a secure attachment with mom. 

The Fifth Commandment says to honor your parents. This commandment was repeated many times in the New Testament, including in Colossians 3:20-21 KJV:

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers here to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. This highlighted word ultimately to a secure attachment between parent and child in the family home. This secure attachment comes from parent submission, where parents are to perform good works for their children, with children resting securely in the good works of parents. Good works here refers to doing good things for children, meeting their every need, expecting absolutely nothing in return. See also Matt. 22:35-40, 25:31-46.

The Greek root word translated "provoke...to anger" is ερεθιζο (Latin: erethizo) and refers here to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and was understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards children. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. The parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" being defined under the Law as the slightest of offenses or damages stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing their children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with the women of the church, but he sure loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children during his time as a deacon.

Back talk happens when children are treated in an adversarial manner by parents. Most parents see parenting as a never-ending battle of wills between parent and child. The key to getting a child to listen to you is to give up the fight, and give into the cries of your child.

Whenever Christian mothers heard the cries of their child, mothers cooed before picking up their child, and from there, she diagnosed the need before meeting that need. Maybe the child was tired. Maybe the child was hungry. Maybe the child needed mom's milk. Maybe the child needed mom, period. Whatever the child needed something, they got it.

Whenever a cry was followed by a coo from mothers, it was deemed a secure attachment. Whenever a child is living in a securely attached home, they usually are more cooperative, but in a way that is affectionate in nature. In an attachment parenting home, children usually on their best behavior after age 6. 

Christian parents in the Early Church simply had to wait 6 years before getting cooperation from children. Children under age 6 constantly cried out for their mother, and would not stop until the need was fully met. When children past age 6 were out and about with parents, they were always there, trailing behind their mothers, like goslings to a mother goose. When children wanted something, they were given their own spending money. However, if children ran out of money, mom would always supplement. Children past age 6 may have engaged in wet and messy play, but otherwise were peaceable and orderly in their ways. Children did not have to work for money, with children instead receiving free money from parents. 

Children growing up in the Early Church, past age 6, were sometimes given requests from parents. When this happened, children instinctively cooperated with parents. Children were given room for rebellion, but usually, they surrendered to the loving arms of mothers, trusting parents in all things. But, first, parents need to get through the first 6 years of childhood, when children cry out loud, with these cries being for YOU as their mother. After age 6, you will usually have a child that trusting in your word enough to listen to your word. That trust was based off of the warmth and reassurance of Christian parents in the Early Church, meaning that all that work during the first 6 years of childhood pays off as a reward for being so kind and loving towards a crying child.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!