Discipline and limit setting in Christian homes: How to set limits with children (without punishment or force)

Many parents want their children to learn discipline. This is a common attitude amongst American parents. Most American parents, however, want to discipline their children though punishment or force. This form of parenting is common in the United States. The fact of the matter is that the Bible prescribes that children get discipline, but without provocations to wrath such as punishment, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor.

Child discipline is part of the Christian doctrine of mutual submission. See Ephesians 6:1-4  KJV: 

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek root word translated "obey" is υπακουο (Latin: hupakouo) and refers to secure, vulnerable rest in the love and submission of parents. Parents are the enemy of children, just as mankind is the enemy of God, and are to submit as such. Child surrender to parents came with strings attached on the part of parents, meaning children could issue lawfully binding demands towards children, usually when parents weren't pulling their weight in the family home.

The Greek root word translated "provoke,..to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers to damages or offenses, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement. This commandment was intended by the Apostle Paul, and understood in its original context, as a moral statute prohibiting all forms of punitive parenting, including, but not limited to, any punishments, reprimands, or other controlling demeanor towards a child. In the Old Testament, punitive parents were put to death by way of bloodletting, after punishing their children one last time. Parents who punished their children were charged with kidnapping, with "kidnapping" here referring to damages or offenses stemming from hostage-taking - child punishment was seen in biblical times as holding your child hostage merely for things that they did wrong, thereby treating your child as a quartered slave. Paul here was lifting up the Law in order to convict a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought their pagan custom of spanking and punishing their children into the church. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punishment of a child in his secular writings. Paul may not have gotten along with women, but he surely loved children, and even took in a few orphaned children. Indeed, Greco-Roman fathers used the scourge of cords to punish their children, but NOT the Christians among them - the Early Christians were hated largely for being "too soft" on their children.

The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers to here, in this context, modeling and encouraging Christian discipline in children. The Christian standard of discipline is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore grateful for absolutely everything, coming from a sinful nature, leading to a chastened up example for children to follow. Christian parents in the Early Church centered their entitlement in view of their children, with children following in the footsteps of their parents. Children, in biblical times, were caught being good, as opposed to being caught being bad. Whenever a child was caught emulating the disciplined example of parents, they were given lavish praise and encouragement to "keep headed down the straight path". Boys were given manly praise when caught by their father being good, whereas girls were given snuggles and physical affection when caught by their father being good. Sometimes, children needed direct instruction. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and refers to the advice and counsel of parents, meaning parents could only offer advice when needed, or else counsel children when upset. Otherwise, children had divine authority over parents, ordering parents around, with parents having no authority to give orders of their own.

Discipline is a need for every child. However, children do not need to be punished, reprimanded. or treated in a controlling demeanor in order to learn discipline. Children grow up almost entirely on their own, but guided by the disciplined example of their parents. The disciplined example of parents imparts the chastening of the Lord, meaning that mankind is deserving of absolutely nothing, therefore should be grateful for everything. Children are watching your every move, including how well you are convicted of the chastening of the Lord. When children emulate your disciplined example, be sure to praise and encourage them. Children will then show their good behavior in increments, in which case each increment should be praised and encouraged.

How do parents motivate children to follow their example? Children were motivated in biblical times to heed the example of parents by a secure attachment. For the first 6 years of a child's life, children were in constant closeness to mothers, meaning that wherever the mother went, so did the child. The Early Christians practiced birth nudity, meaning mothers and children were next to each other, in skin-on-skin closeness and intimacy. Whenever a child cried, mothers were there to reassure their children, after cooing at them in order to validate the child's upset. From there, mothers diagnosed the need in children, and then provided from beneath yet from above. A common need for young children was breastmilk, in which case mothers breastfed their children to sleep. Mothers, when out and about in public, swaddled their children next to their bosom in swaddling blankets. Come nightfall, children co-slept next to mothers, in skin-on-skin format. Children co-slept next to mothers in skin-on-skin format until the onset of puberty, when children wanted their own place to sleep.

The abovementioned closeness with mothers readied children to learn the facts of life from fathers. It was the role of fathers to provide children with a religious education. Fathers started out by way of leaving out a Bible for the child to discover and read. When children were caught reading the Bible, they were praised with statements such as "that book is good for you". From there, children and fathers had ongoing discussion about the facts of life, with children being eager to learn, and with fathers giving pointers on the context.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to wrath through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them forever be cast into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!