Pro-social vanish, pro-social righteous judgment - How I have actually healed from my trauma

 What is vanishment, in trauma psychology and psychotherapy? Nothing really matters but what matters, and shine out everything else with rays. My conservative Christian faith has given me a conservative outlook on the spanking issues. We conservatives do trust our neighbor, don't we? I actually don't, yet I do on the surface. Being lawfully punished, and never denying it as abuse, is one of the most painful things a child can deal with.

I am a conservative Christian, and two traits of a Christian that make them conservative are a) belief in the original sin of mankind (adult-kind, in my focus) and b) The issuance of righteous judgment. I judge the world around me as innocent until proven guilty, beyond a reasonable doubt, leaving everything to rest until something nefarious catches my eye, and then I either investigate, if possible, from the least intrusive position possible. Everything else evil that I absolutely can't help, I vanish.

There are a million and one ways to control a child that have been recommended throughout the millennia, and I can't picture or think of any of them right now. Why? I don't want to believe that such a thing is happening, in any form that it comes in. It is so distant from me that a child could be abused, even through lawful means, that I just drop all memory of knowledge of such abuse. It is as if it doesn't exist, even though I know it does "over there". When I see it come over here, I cast judgment on the parents, and avoid them.

Basically, the enemy is away from me in terms of access, until I allow said enemy near me, to the degree that my mental health will allow. The mere idea of spanking and punishment existing in relation to children and thus me terrified me to bits. It was a low-level, frozen fear of overwhelm, where you could do nothing but bear the fact that a child was being harmed. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. But I knew that was wrong as well. It was anxiolytic suicidal thoughts, not depressive, so I wouldn't have done it. I just wanted someone to arrest those parents, and slam them to the ground, and me watch as the blood flows down the floor of the retail store...Anyone who behaves in a domineering, commandeering fashion like that is a parent to me, and deserves to be charged for the abuse it conflates with its existence, unless it apologizes and struggles, in which case they earn back human pronouns. Parents are soiled, and I side with your child 100% when they say they want that Hershey bar. Let her have it, ya fucken a**hole, or go KYS. There's worse things in life than an energetic 4-year-old. Die, and suffer, and then stay dead while we doust you on fire, and erase all evidence of your being, ya fucken speck and spoog. DIE, and I RELISH in my abusers' suffering and anguish, conflating evil and evil, embracing evil to promote good. But, if you are reformatory like I am as the pedophile with this trauma, I don't care. Struggle, but I can't help you. Yes, this is how I feel, in terms of trauma...I fucken see parents everyday, but I assume they are not, even if they are clearly so, for my own safety, or so I think, but nonetheless God watches out for me by vanishing certain lowly castes on my behalf. Gentle parents are the answer, and are not counted as parents to me, except as implied as the true parents, because the word "parent" is profane in a good way, but in an overused way as well.