Why some adults cannot spank a child (we literally cannot bring ourselves to)

 I was once an atheist, of the agnostic and spiritually curious one, at best. At worst, an antisocial one, of the psychopathic/empathic sort. I had empathy for children, but expressed it in an entitled manner. I am not a perfect person by any regards, and have an evil and wicked nature in relation to children. But, the one think I know I will always be incapable of is striking a child. The thought, these days, doesn't even come to mind when a child is crying for me to do, and distant negative for the parent...I fall asleep.

Many pedophiles, on their ticker tests, have reported "noxious fumes", meaning the very opposite. What am I talking about? It is a maternal sensation, meaning children don't "up the ante" for me, but lull me to being relaxed, in a convicting way.

A young girl would be attractive, and that would lull my senses, and then she'd tell me to do something she wanted me to do, and as long as it was feasible and acceptable, I'd do it. Yes, this could be a 16-year-old girl or a 6-year-old girl. It could be a boy as well. 

Growing up, I was defiant, and battled with adults a lot, but when a younger cousin said to be quiet and "stop arguing", I knew I had to shut up and swallow crow. I may have resented it then, but she could have gotten me out of trouble.

I'm not as sensitive as I was then, meaning I can set a boundary, but it would roughly be like saying "no" to lending your friend $300 when he got cited for disorderly conduct, minus the punishment from someone else. That's how I set limits with children, put in practical terms. The child, in the relationship, is the talkative, rambunctious one, whereas the adult is silent and quiet in a listening, lead manner resembling a ragdoll. That is mutual submission according to my Christian family values, and how Jewish fathers interacted with their children in the biblical context. Every religious statement I make equates to this conclusion, in secular language.

It would be a double-backed relationship with a child, meaning she'd have totally different interests than me, might believe in different ideas than I do (but emulate them well in the case of a natural parent), but nonetheless get along in a friendly adversarial way, where I would never understand her place as a child, and would shut up or else ask questions about her perspective, and be grateful when she wants to be helpful to me and is able to developmentally - because I am deserving of nothing but resentment from a child, for being the entitled adult that I am.