Positive reinforcement: How to discipline your child without punitive measures

Many parents want their children to have discipline. This is a common desire amongst American parents. However, most American parents conflate discipline and punishment. However, the fact of the matter is that discipline in the Bible involves positive reinforcement, meaning catching children being good.

God's Law on child discipline is spelled out in Ephesians 6:4 KJV:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

This first stanza clarifies for the second that discipline should not hurt. The Greek root word translated "provoke...to wrath" is παροργίζο (Latin: parorgizo) and refers here to offenses or damages, namely the slightest of personal offense perceived by a child, including, but not limited to, the slightest of offensive touch or speech perceived by a child, stemming from entitlement, with this entitlement including any parent anger directed towards a child. In order for discipline to not hurt, you need to avoid offense in your child, meaning be willing to give a meaningful apology whenever you hurt your child's feelings. In most cases, all that is necessary is a reassurance of good intent, such as when a child cannot accept set limits. However, if you ever lose your cool as a parent, you definitely need to give a formal apology to your child, and then commit never to losing your cool with your child ever again, as any parent anger directed towards children was seen then as toxic entitlement. However, whenever you refuse to apologize to a child that you caused to be upset, you are entitled. This first stanza of this commandment cross-references the Eighth and the Tenth Commandments, with the Apostle Paul here convicting a group of Greek Christian parents in the parish at Ephesus who brought into the church their pagan custom of patrias potestas, which is a Latin phrase roughly translating to "power to the parent", namely the power to impose punitive sanctions on children, such as spanking or other forms of punishment. Paul, contrary to popular legend, was anti-spanking, and opposed any and all punitive parenting in his secular writings. Attachment parenting was banned under Roman law, but the Early Christians did it anyway, obeying God over men.

This second stanza was intended to point out acceptable forms of discipline, with the first stanza ruling out anything punitive with a child. The Greek root word translated "nurture" is παιδεία (Latin: paideia) and refers here to a specific form of nurturing, namely of the teaching type. Children were left to form their own discipline, and when that discipline showed, they were given lavish praise and encouragement to keep up the good work. Christian parents in the Early Church set a good example for children to follow, but backed it up with praise and encouragement, as opposed to punishment and force. Children also need religious instruction, as religion is a human need for children and adults alike. The Greek root word translated "admonition" is νουθεσία (Latin: nouthesia) and is more aptly translated as "instruction" in more modern versions of the Bible, and refers to light instruction. Starting at age 6, fathers left out a Bible for children to discover and explore. When children were caught in the act of studying the Bible, they were given lavish praise and encouragement from parents, with fathers then stating "you can ask me anything about that book". From there, religious instruction came in the form of question and answer. Children were curious about Scripture, with fathers giving pointers on the context. This stanza was intended to lift up the Judeo-Christian tradition of positive reinforcement, meaning the Hebraic custom of catching children being good. This tradition of positive reinforcement was a Hebraic custom of the biblical context, and outdates punitive parenting by thousands of years.

Sometimes, children need limits. However, them accepting limits is a whole other story. Whenever your child cannot accept limits, it is a good time to apologize to your child. The idea is to, in most case, be willing to give a reassurance of good intent to a child. However, if you lose your cool with your child at all when setting limits, you should give a formal apology, with you then committing to never losing your cool ever again as a parent, as anger at a child alone was seen as toxic entitlement then.

Positive reinforcement was an ancient custom that outdated punitive parenting by thousands of years. Children were given lavish praise and encouragement when caught being good. Most childhood mischief was a reason for righteous laughter in parents. However, when behavior was unsafe or immoral, or else when the petitioned requests of children were unsafe, unworkable, and/or immoral, the parents set a limit, backing the limit up with an apology. However, childhood behaviors such as crying or meltdowns are normal behavior, and require a parent to respond to a child's every cry.

The depraved and entitled parents who provoke their children to anger through punitive parenting will not inherit the Kingdom of God! Let them be cast forever into the lake of fire and burning sulfur, which is the second death prepared for Satan and his accomplices! Let them descend into the abyss which is the ever-burning Hell of fire and torment, suffering God's Wrath day and night forever and ever! Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!